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Something Lost, Something Gained (Lyric) by Irischer Junge You used to mean
The world to me.
You used to be
Who I always wanted to see.
We only had
Shared one kiss,
And now we have
Moved on from this.
Now I truly realize
How much I really had,
But all I can say
Is that's too bad.
We've still got each other
As friends in Christ.
He's given us
The gift of eternal life.
Up the ladder:
My Id and I
Down the ladder:
A Vision of Dark Desire
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 1.8571428
Posted: September 8, 2003 3:03 PM PDT; Last modified: September 8, 2003 3:03 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.1547556 Overall Rank: 13274 Comments:
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Irischer Junge @ 68.58.223.182
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8-Sep-03/3:03 PM
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Reply
This poem was written Christmas 2001.
entirely unremarkable.
Oh no, not another one. You know, theistic belief in itself does not offend me. For once I would like to see a well-considered, artistic, non-cheezy assertion of the Christian belief. I KNOW it can be done!
I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other). to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
I have to agree with nentwined, before you post a poem, read it aloud to yourself. You will find that the flow doesn't exist. Just read it to yourself and try again.
"I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other). to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think." It does take time. Some of my first writing was rhyme. I really don't go that direction anymore, but I do have respect for those who can use it well. Anyway, I think you need to use more word play. Go out...find some great words to replace the norm. You'll not only learn new words from this, but you'll grow as a writer. Good luck! 150 view(s)
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