poemranker ::Something Lost, Something Gained by Irischer Junge

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Lyric № 64302

Something Lost, Something Gained

by Irischer Junge

Member since 2003 · Posted 8 Sep 2003 · 7 comments

You used to mean The world to me. You used to be Who I always wanted to see. We only had Shared one kiss, And now we have Moved on from this. Now I truly realize How much I really had, But all I can say Is that's too bad. We've still got each other As friends in Christ. He's given us The gift of eternal life.

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7 comments

[n/a] Irischer Junge 8-Sep-03/3:03 PM Reply
This poem was written Christmas 2001.
[0] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? 8-Sep-03/3:04 PM Reply
entirely unremarkable.
[n/a] EAger to Offend 8-Sep-03/3:46 PM Reply
Oh no, not another one. You know, theistic belief in itself does not offend me. For once I would like to see a well-considered, artistic, non-cheezy assertion of the Christian belief. I KNOW it can be done!
[4] nentwined 8-Sep-03/4:14 PM Reply
I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.

first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).

to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
[4] sliver 8-Sep-03/7:42 PM Reply
I have to agree with nentwined, before you post a poem, read it aloud to yourself. You will find that the flow doesn't exist. Just read it to yourself and try again.
[n/a] deleted user 8-Sep-03/10:38 PM Reply
"I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.

first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).

to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think."

It does take time. Some of my first writing was rhyme. I really don't go that direction anymore, but I do have respect for those who can use it well. Anyway, I think you need to use more word play. Go out...find some great words to replace the norm. You'll not only learn new words from this, but you'll grow as a writer.
Good luck!