Replying to a comment on:

Something Lost, Something Gained (Lyric) by Irischer Junge

You used to mean The world to me. You used to be Who I always wanted to see. We only had Shared one kiss, And now we have Moved on from this. Now I truly realize How much I really had, But all I can say Is that's too bad. We've still got each other As friends in Christ. He's given us The gift of eternal life.

Thissitestinks 8-Sep-03/10:38 PM
"I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.

first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).

to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think."

It does take time. Some of my first writing was rhyme. I really don't go that direction anymore, but I do have respect for those who can use it well. Anyway, I think you need to use more word play. Go out...find some great words to replace the norm. You'll not only learn new words from this, but you'll grow as a writer.
Good luck!




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001