Thissitestinks8 Sep 2003

"I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.

first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).

to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think."

It does take time. Some of my first writing was rhyme. I really don't go that direction anymore, but I do have respect for those who can use it well. Anyway, I think you need to use more word play. Go out...find some great words to replace the norm. You'll not only learn new words from this, but you'll grow as a writer.
Good luck!