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Forsaken Faults (Free verse) by DeadtotheWorld The struggling scientist calculating in his lab
Not realizing what a great life he has had
Not knowing what to do next
The scientist stays up from midnight to eight
Not knowing what he just did thatâs great
He has just cured cancer and heâs not going to stop
He has just realized theirs a formula he has to drop
To make the solution of world hunger a reality
Then the lonely bum on the street wakes up
He now know this will never happen, it was just a dream
Up the ladder:
form: haibun
Down the ladder:
This Beat Is Technotronic
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.6666667
Posted: June 28, 2003 9:47 PM PDT; Last modified: June 28, 2003 9:47 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.6414113 Overall Rank: 12398 Comments:
[1]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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29-Jun-03/2:33 PM
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Reply
Boy, when I watch the gears in your mind spin, I have to reassure myself that there's always sundials just in case me and you are the last two alive.
[n/a]
DeadtotheWorld @ 12.80.125.202
> horus8
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29-Jun-03/8:35 PM
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Ok sounds good
hrmm.. first we start with the scientist and then suddenly its a bum... I dont really know what to say.. _shrug_ Had an interesting beginning, but it ended sharply and left me slightly jangled.
Well this poem basically mean this bum wasted his life he could have been a scientist and it was just his dream and it will never happen
ah, ok ok. I see. btw, i notice some sort of pattern with the first words of each line in your poem:
The Not Not The Not He He To Then He I suggest thinking of better ways to start your lines.. and to avoid such dull repetition of these words. Dont feel bad, I'm working on not using the word I, so your not alone in learning how to be more creatively flexible with language.
yeah ok I know i have to be more creative thanx for the info, good looking out
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