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The Twenty-Fifth of Whenevber (Ode) by OneFingerAnswer Presents with ribbons and ugly bows,
Boxes and bags of self-bought clothes,
Get to pick a cd or two,
Recycled Christmas, nothing really new
No, for this year's gift,
What I want comes of pure thrift
All I'd like to get this year
Is to finally subside the fear
Two long years I've taken it at its best
For too long I've feared that test
Health Department offers it for free
So why isn't it going that easy?
Christmas could come any day
We had an appointment back in May
I got sick and lost my edge
Like a not so sure man, on the ledge
I know it needs to happen soon
But it's too late for Christmas in June
And stupid reasons always get in the way
Besides, Christmas in July is so cliche
Loosing sleep and loosing weight,
Scared to love and scared to date,
Heart frozen and put on hold,
Avoiding love, I turned so cold
Oh to be held again by strong arms,
Comforted by what caused these alarms,
Held against a soft chest of fur,
And use that strength til the 25th of Whenevber
Up the ladder:
The Dry Wash
Down the ladder:
shadows of love
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.6
Posted: June 26, 2003 2:12 AM PDT; Last modified: June 26, 2003 9:23 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9523187 Overall Rank: 8936 Comments:
Whenember would pull it off better, and I feel this is an Ode.
I thought about it and I think I like the v more. Ode? Really? Ok. I'm not too good with the styles any way.
Geez man, don't be, so was I.
Don't be what?
Whenevber? that could easy confuse a crowd if you ever plan to read this out loud.
"So why isn't going that easy?" -- Notice that this line sticks out like a thorn? fragmented.. -So why isn't it going that easy- just a suggestion anyway. with those issues out of the way, i enjoyed this poem. blessed with an 8
I don't perform my poetry. It's not anonymous enough. I prefer to hide behind firewalls.
Actually I wasn't happy with that line either but it was pissing me off so I left it. After reading it with your version in.... Thanks. One little word, huh? Well that's the beauty and the butt of poetry Look a haiku.
Happy to help anytime when possible. ;) Indeed, it is amazing how one little word changes a sentence remarkably.. the more I proceed with improving my skill, the more I notice that little things that I once considered irrelevant or unimportant are the secret keys to turn shit into gold. heh.
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My lover's not coming back. He's gone. Read it again and you might see something different. Focus on the third stanza. It's not a poem about heartbreak.
but, grief aside, i am addressing the poem's error. forgive me if i seem crass in doing so.
here are the 2 lines with typos:
Presents with *ribions* and ugly bows,
Use that strength *til* the 25th of *Whenevber*
punctuation would help the reader understand where you want pauses, and breaks.
take care of your self, sir. he would want you to.
Namaste.
The other typo, thanks.
I'll consider punctuation in a bit
I don't mind the proofread. I actually like to have it addressed early. I still think you're putting too much focus on him though. Although he was a great guy and I still love him I've come to terms with his death. It might seem cold but I have. This is about the taking care of myself part of it. I do generally but this is one area that has been hard for me to deal with.