poemranker ::cold sonnet by <~>

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Sonnet № 4925

cold sonnet

by <~>

Member since 2002 · Posted 16 Jul 2002 · Edited 4 Sep 2003 · 19 comments

Cedars breathe, slower than the grasses but not so slow as stones. Paled, the verdance of their scratching splits short days, cracks bones. With wails whispered half gone, colorless wind catches avian darts in current, hurling winged survivors into blues gone white, ochres greyed; in piney hearts and bared burls they find frozen comfort for the night. There is shelter here, in marooned evergreen a deepened slumber, a breaking dream where iced veins thicken, strain, and woody muscles burn, entrain the rhythm of a soiled heart: waiting, watching is their part. (edit 8/21/02)

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mean 7.40 weighted 6.20 rank 985 views 299 View voting details →

10 votes so far. Yours would make 11.10 votes so far

19 comments

[8] horus8 16-Jul-02/3:29 PM Reply
Pheromonal, a real cow puncher. awesome
[8] New Life Drug 31-Jul-02/9:39 PM Reply
reminds me of the setting in Evil Dead
[6] [mojo] 16-Aug-02/3:09 PM Reply
Needed to review your poem with lowest average to console myself. But, alas, this is rather good too. Almost too much imagery though. Slightly tiring to read. 6.
[8] Christof 21-Aug-02/8:26 AM Reply
That's an interesting revision of sonnet form - no real regular rhyme scheme, shortening lines, but a final couplet to pull the whole together. 'Piney hearts' is very good.
[5] god'swife 21-Aug-02/12:46 PM Reply
Tree and stone. Do you believe in coincidence? Wow so do I!!! Thank you for your praise. I love your poem, but it seems to be bogged down with fancy synonyms. You've got great skill, which can't be taught. Speak from the heart instead of the head. Concentrate or actually stay unfocused enough to go with sound of words working together. Your 1st and 3rd lines are beautiful examples of this. the vowel sounds in cedars breathe are sensual and strong. Also the rhymn between slow as stones & craked bones. Needs work. Give it time.
[n/a] <~> 21-Aug-02/12:53 PM Reply
i think my problem is that i spend a lot of time in my head. my thoughts wrap themselves in polysyllabic mantles; i think with those words. you're not the first to mention that my words are too complex to flow. i tried to work on that, to simplify the description in a rewrite of secret, admirer. did you see the first version?
[5] god'swife 21-Aug-02/1:20 PM Reply
No I'm sorry I did not see the 1st. Maybe you should try using a thesaurus in reverse. I do it sometimes. Also the dictionary is my dearest and closest friend. i look things up and the damn thing tells me exactly what the poems need to know/say. Try doing exercises with throw-away poems, you know make things up while your busy with the drudgeries. Also sometimes single words are better expressed in full sentences, I know it sounds as if it would make things more complicated, but imagery is the key. Stay lyrical
[7] PoeticDelicacy 21-Aug-02/3:53 PM Reply
It's like I can see it. Good job :)
[10] ciantu 21-Nov-02/4:54 PM Reply
damn
[10] Bachus 10-Dec-02/7:10 PM Reply
like fishing in the bering strait for eel.
[10] ecargo 10-Dec-02/8:13 PM Reply
One of my absolute favorites. It reads aloud like an incantation. 10
[10] Bill Z Bub 10-Dec-02/8:43 PM Reply
more panegyrics
lovely beautiful brilliant
[n/a] tadpole 4-Sep-03/2:59 PM Reply
really really like it, just a little wordy in some parts for me
[10] Bill Z Bub 4-Sep-03/3:05 PM Reply
beauty.
[1] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? 4-Sep-03/4:42 PM Reply
I can't believe this drivel persists whilst my own work goes unappreciated.
[7] Tintagiles › ?-Dave_Mysterious-? 4-Sep-03/5:01 PM Reply
I can.
[8] J.B. Manning › ?-Dave_Mysterious-? 5-Sep-03/3:51 PM Reply
I can too. lol. I wouldn't define it as drivel though.
[8] J.B. Manning 4-Sep-03/4:58 PM Reply
I did like some of it, but I agree, it was a bit wordy and I had trouble staying focused through the middle of it...too much going on.
[7] Tintagiles 4-Sep-03/5:03 PM Reply
It seems dreadfully snarky to quote you something you once said to me, dear Tilde, but...

"i'm awash in the imagery, but it's a tsunami".