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cold sonnet (Sonnet) by <~> Cedars breathe, slower than the grasses but not so slow as stones.
Paled, the verdance of their scratching
splits short days, cracks bones.
With wails whispered half gone, colorless wind catches
avian darts in current, hurling winged survivors into
blues gone white, ochres greyed; in piney hearts and bared burls
they find frozen comfort for the night.
There is shelter here, in marooned evergreen
a deepened slumber, a breaking dream
where iced veins thicken, strain,
and woody muscles burn, entrain
the rhythm of a soiled heart:
waiting, watching is their part.
(edit 8/21/02)
Up the ladder:
THE DEFENSE RESTS
Down the ladder:
Lost
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.4
Posted: July 16, 2002 1:08 PM PDT; Last modified: September 4, 2003 2:06 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.2 Overall Rank: 985 Comments:
[8]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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16-Jul-02/3:29 PM
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Reply
Pheromonal, a real cow puncher. awesome
reminds me of the setting in Evil Dead
Needed to review your poem with lowest average to console myself. But, alas, this is rather good too. Almost too much imagery though. Slightly tiring to read. 6.
That's an interesting revision of sonnet form - no real regular rhyme scheme, shortening lines, but a final couplet to pull the whole together. 'Piney hearts' is very good.
Tree and stone. Do you believe in coincidence? Wow so do I!!! Thank you for your praise. I love your poem, but it seems to be bogged down with fancy synonyms. You've got great skill, which can't be taught. Speak from the heart instead of the head. Concentrate or actually stay unfocused enough to go with sound of words working together. Your 1st and 3rd lines are beautiful examples of this. the vowel sounds in cedars breathe are sensual and strong. Also the rhymn between slow as stones & craked bones. Needs work. Give it time.
i think my problem is that i spend a lot of time in my head. my thoughts wrap themselves in polysyllabic mantles; i think with those words. you're not the first to mention that my words are too complex to flow. i tried to work on that, to simplify the description in a rewrite of secret, admirer. did you see the first version?
No I'm sorry I did not see the 1st. Maybe you should try using a thesaurus in reverse. I do it sometimes. Also the dictionary is my dearest and closest friend. i look things up and the damn thing tells me exactly what the poems need to know/say. Try doing exercises with throw-away poems, you know make things up while your busy with the drudgeries. Also sometimes single words are better expressed in full sentences, I know it sounds as if it would make things more complicated, but imagery is the key. Stay lyrical
It's like I can see it. Good job :)
damn
like fishing in the bering strait for eel.
One of my absolute favorites. It reads aloud like an incantation. 10
more panegyrics
lovely beautiful brilliant
really really like it, just a little wordy in some parts for me
beauty.
I can't believe this drivel persists whilst my own work goes unappreciated.
I can.
I can too. lol. I wouldn't define it as drivel though.
I did like some of it, but I agree, it was a bit wordy and I had trouble staying focused through the middle of it...too much going on.
It seems dreadfully snarky to quote you something you once said to me, dear Tilde, but...
"i'm awash in the imagery, but it's a tsunami". 299 view(s)
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