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To You, In Warmer Climes (Free verse) by <~>
I would send you frost from my window pane at first light as we threw off the quilt and prickled at the crisp; I think you must miss this. So I would seduce you anew, and these would be my gifts: cool-blooded blue of morning asters, sweet, wet smell of new cut grass, wool sweater nights and short-sleeved days all gold aslant the afternoon as the chill set into the land. September's wan days will slip away, and I would have you here with me. But the sun is in your blood you said, and your fire, though stoked by change of season would fade as the days paled and shadows stretched longer, reaching 'cross the browning for the freeze. In the cold your quick would slow; my heart knows this as well as it knows your own. But I'd light a fire in the hearth, to keep you. I'd be your heat, for I would have you here with me. Instead, I'll send this leaf, Autumn's first blood, badge of New England. It shall be my Mercury, winging south aflame and fading, to speak for me, to bleed for me: this is my home, and I would have you here with me.

Up the ladder: Sonnet for Snow

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.857142
Weighted score: 6.306287
Overall Rank: 867
Posted: July 16, 2002 1:02 PM PDT; Last modified: July 30, 2003 1:20 PM PDT
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Niphredil

Comments:
[10] horus8 @ 24.126.43.103 | 16-Jul-02/6:29 PM | Reply
I'm onto you, Emily D. You can't fool me. You make the Jim Morisson
Mojo rise up for free. Quicksilver
[n/a] razorgrin @ 142.166.107.159 | 30-Jul-02/7:35 AM | Reply
pretty:)
[9] daniella @ 200.49.159.37 | 4-Aug-02/6:16 PM | Reply
i know these very things in my own heart
[8] Frass @ 66.160.116.193 | 8-Aug-02/10:32 AM | Reply
Zinnia, you are talented. Thanks for raising the bar on Poemranker.
[8] deleted user @ 65.101.213.167 | 12-Aug-02/4:28 PM | Reply
Ah zzinnia66, writer of triangle poems, my guide to the site, teaching me that a limerick is really a band with an extra "a", and that art of the absurdist (the literary style) poem, we finally meet again in the random file. I like this shape much better, but a few suggestions/questions. Is the article necessary in the first line? Have you tried the poem without the articles in the listing after the colon? Why the 'cross? I like stretched without the longer, but that is just my one dimensional self. Nitpicking I know, but with tightening this could be much better than geometry on a page.
[n/a] <~> @ | 12-Aug-02/5:50 PM | Reply
babbit--actually, i had not tried it sans articles. i recently rewrote it, and you are right; it could be tighter. as for the 'cross', it's a cross rhyme with longer, and i liked the truncation of the word as well as the mental suggestion of trial/suffering that the word invokes. so, my poem has its 'cross' to bear. and longer, not only for the rhyme, but also for the sense of passage of time. as for the one-dimensional comment, that was indeen for p&k; i find your work to be layered with meaning. also, the whole point of the triangle poem, as it has come to be known in these circles, is that all balances on the 'I'. very awkward, with the weight of the world on one's shoulders, non?
[7] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 12-Aug-02/7:28 PM | Reply
Tightning? This is about as tight as a woman needs to be, or can get forest man(I dwell there too, but I'm a cheeky devil). So. you have now been suited with a pythagorean theory. You look nice. Do a little spin on the cat walk. Write more about fish, and comment less. Your breath stinks.
[10] [mojo] @ 195.92.194.19 | 16-Aug-02/3:04 PM | Reply
Quite excellent. Particulary liked line "sun is in your blood". Beautiful work, will review your others. Last verse excellently structured, short and sweet, a fitting epilogue. Have a ten from the UK.
[8] Owner of the Sky @ 202.72.66.142 | 16-Aug-02/7:10 PM | Reply
I read this a few days ago and I wanted to comment on it but for some reason I always forgot to log in. :o) Anyways, enough of me being a spaz. It's a beautiful piece. It's very gentle, and yet I can feel the yearning in it. You rawk my sawks, in plain Enlish. ;o) You get an 8 from me. :o)
[n/a] <~> @ | 19-Aug-02/7:51 PM | Reply
babbit--i have taken your suggestions re: the articles in the first stanza. thanks. it think it improves the poem. -z
[10] Venus @ 152.163.197.69 | 19-Aug-02/7:59 PM | Reply
oh! so glad for the rewrite, as I missed this the first time around. So much here, so much, it makes me tingly. 10/10
[8] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 20-Aug-02/6:15 AM | Reply
This is lovely - intricate, romantic, suggestive. The colour imagery is beautifully evocative. As for 'geometry on the page' - I don't get a sense of it being contrived at all. My only complaint is that the cosiness of the first stanza doesn't really build up to 'mercury' and 'bleeding' of the last stanza. But how seductive those gifts would be....
[9] Rex Karrs @ 64.12.96.237 | 28-Sep-02/8:43 AM | Reply
I love this one. The last stanza sticks with me like "a dart to the heart" (Thank you Bruce Cockburn)
Should Mercury be capitilized in the last line? 9
[9] anitawit @ 203.197.226.9 | 10-Nov-02/12:51 PM | Reply
Beautiful. Poignant.
[9] ecargo @ 208.249.92.99 | 10-Dec-02/9:11 AM | Reply
This is wonderful. I honestly think the "would have you here with me" lines in the first two stanzas weaken them--it's implicit in the "woulds" that he is not, and the penultimate lines are so strong it seems a shame not to let them stand. Maybe it's just me. Also, in the same vein, "badge of New England" is not as strong an image as "autumn's first blood" and seems to detract from it--you're winging south so must be north. I like the pun with Mercury.
[8] nentwined @ 12.107.1.131 | 28-Dec-02/1:27 PM | Reply
I'm afraid this just doesn't move me much. It's very pretty, but it's not for me. 8
[10] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 17-Jan-03/12:35 AM | Reply
probably one of my specials in times of need...and that concludes our visit with z. tonight..i leave you with t-rex singing debora, that is all.thanks for watching..oh debora..always dressed like a conjurer! 10. good night!
[10] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 30-Jul-03/1:42 PM | Reply
It's a shame you're the only competition this sight has to offer, and a dark secret relief.
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > horus8 | 30-Jul-03/1:49 PM | Reply
thanks, my dark secret.

jump in on this one, h:
http://www.absinthe-literary-review.com/sexanddeath.htm
[10] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.115 | 30-Jul-03/2:59 PM | Reply
I love this poem. Such a pleasure to read again on a cloudy day in Misery.
[10] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.204 | 30-Jul-03/7:20 PM | Reply
This is so beautiful and exact, it reminds me to miss fall and winter in Maine even more. Who are these wimps who can't handle the cold? I say bring it on. This lousy "vacationland" sunshine is giving me seasonal affective disorder. 10
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