Replying to a comment on:

To You, In Warmer Climes (Free verse) by <~>

I would send you frost from my window pane at first light as we threw off the quilt and prickled at the crisp; I think you must miss this. So I would seduce you anew, and these would be my gifts: cool-blooded blue of morning asters, sweet, wet smell of new cut grass, wool sweater nights and short-sleeved days all gold aslant the afternoon as the chill set into the land. September's wan days will slip away, and I would have you here with me. But the sun is in your blood you said, and your fire, though stoked by change of season would fade as the days paled and shadows stretched longer, reaching 'cross the browning for the freeze. In the cold your quick would slow; my heart knows this as well as it knows your own. But I'd light a fire in the hearth, to keep you. I'd be your heat, for I would have you here with me. Instead, I'll send this leaf, Autumn's first blood, badge of New England. It shall be my Mercury, winging south aflame and fading, to speak for me, to bleed for me: this is my home, and I would have you here with me.

<~> 12-Aug-02/5:50 PM
babbit--actually, i had not tried it sans articles. i recently rewrote it, and you are right; it could be tighter. as for the 'cross', it's a cross rhyme with longer, and i liked the truncation of the word as well as the mental suggestion of trial/suffering that the word invokes. so, my poem has its 'cross' to bear. and longer, not only for the rhyme, but also for the sense of passage of time. as for the one-dimensional comment, that was indeen for p&k; i find your work to be layered with meaning. also, the whole point of the triangle poem, as it has come to be known in these circles, is that all balances on the 'I'. very awkward, with the weight of the world on one's shoulders, non?




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001