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the photobooth (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub **THIS POEM TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE**
Up the ladder:
Untitled
Down the ladder:
Phalus
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.4
Posted: April 6, 2003 8:21 PM PDT; Last modified: July 4, 2003 7:42 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9284782 Overall Rank: 9328 Comments:
but, london to toronto by train???
not perfect, if wasting. otherwise, damn this is good. here i'll vote. and i'll do it again, once you assuage me.
London, Ontario.
Not the most famous city, but it's where I hang my head.
maybe you could say something like, "across the whole of ontario" to clue in the reader? because i'd venture to say that 90% of the people reading this are going to think you mean the london in UK, and go ,"huh?" like i did, unless you drop a clue to alert them otherwise.
... and as for the last line... it's true, "perfect" is one of those words I tend to use when I can't quite find the right one. It always seems to fit.
Gah! The truth revealed? Ignore that last sentence! Pay no attention to the man behind the computer! It's all a dream! Wooooo!
well then, how about sublime? which means perfect--as she was in your desore for her, but also because to sublimate is both to go from a state of matter directly to gas, without becoming liquid first (misc. soul/heaven interps) and also to express a socially unacceptable desire, usually sexual, in a way generally considered healthy--e.g.--you want to hit someone--you become a boxer. holy ontario, batman--look at that sublime word!
Hellalooyah! That's "perfect"! Mwah! I kiss your feet! Mwah! (ew!)
Thank you thankyou! (!)
um, actually, it's sublimate that means to pass from solid to gaseous state, but, sublime (as the root of the word) works well here.
yer welcome.
nope. sorry. he's already been wanked, but that doesn't seem to stop him
I have a cunning plan. Boycott him. Simply don't reply to any comment he makes. In fact, delete his comments on your poems. Then he can spout off in his own poems. But since I never click on his "poetry", I'll never have to deal with the punk again.
BOYCOTT!
maybe i'll boycott him, but i won't censor him. it would just make him feel like what he was writing was affecting me. so i'll let him rant all he wants. either his meds will level him off, or they won't.
DAMMIT BILL! PEOPLE ARE DYING IN IRAQ SO HE CAN HAVE THE FREEDOM TO CALL ME AN INCESTUOUS CUNT! ISN'T THAT WHAT FREEDOM IS ABOUT????
I'd hardly call it censorship. If he went to your house to visit, and scribbled obsenities on the wall, would it be censorship to paint over them? Nope.
He can spout off all he wants in his "poems" or in his own commentary. But if we want to delete a comment he makes on our poem, we have every right. It's not censorship. It's good housekeeping. That's a good thing ( <---said in best Martha Stewart impression)
I actually agree with you here. I'm a real twat, but I do it in my own time on my own poems. If people don't find me funny, they can not view my stuff. And if you don't like my comments you can delete them.
(Argh...I'm sober)
THANK YOU KIND SIR!
.vidi vici.
Your welcome.
It's not a bad poem either. Keep it up.
ps. Thanks to everyone who allowed me to get my second award. If it wasn't for you, then, um.... someone else would've complained. Oh well.
So we r supposed to believe this is a poem?........hahaha
This makes me sad. It's nice to see such words to express this strange gratitude for life. Nice.
Thank you!
Someday I shall write as well as thee.. But for now, I'll just keep on truckin'.
thanx my friend.
It sounds as if you are plunking both the money and the mug the way it is written. Needs a comma to separate into two thoughts or a rewrite. You lifted a casket? Or just opened the door to the booth. Again, sentence structure is confusing. I really like the final stanza. Some of the lines are quite fine, but the build up leaves me wanting a bit more and I think it is tied up somewhere in the grammar at the beginning and just a bit of wandering in the middle. But I like what is being said and the idea behind it (London is fine the way it is. If people do not know London Ontario then screw them - not you though, Z), but I think the entire poem needs to read with the strength of the last stanza.
Thanks for the feedback, goode gentlesir. But I decided to try it as London Ontario. I'll see how it goes... I'll slowly revise it, phrase by phrase.
okay, the reason i think it has to be clarified is because it isthe first town you mention. but it does not work so well the way you have it now. i prefer the orginal stanza, as the comma'd one doesn't flow. maybe try:
Close your eyes in London--Ontario's a blurred dream-- and awaken in Toronto with your cold hands on my belly.
Mellifluently told ! Remember when taking on board the sound advice and suggestions given be careful not to disrupt the poignanancy you have masterfully created in here. perfection is a bridge too far, but by golly its in sight. Well done my boy on a bloody fine poem 10
(bowing low) Please, I am most unworthy, you embarass me! What hey? Don't stop! (puts hat back on head, as should an Gentleman)
Thankyou oh panegyrical one!
What on earth could I possibly say?
Except that I have missed you.
:^)
This one's actually pretty good, just remove all the "her bits" at the end (put them somewhere else). The last stanza is a touch uninteresting.
Remove her bits? A chilling thought.
Belly grabs me, and casket.
Great use of the sound in words. black & white stripped, and pinned. eerie upright... close, hide, awaken. the way her eyes darkened. your words are beautiful. They ring, like a peal bells, or laughter.
I thank you. Thank you.
You are a warm bath on a cold winter night. The way she parts the sea with sculpted knee, and rolls back and runs fingers along rivulets of wax that speak of memorable nights It's automatic. Can't stop placing simple words, each after another, and sigh sadness... There is such an immense sadness. Can't you see it? Are you the one? Here, let me guide your hand to my brow, cool against this broken field. Sometimes I use it as a shield, to hide from the acidic sun. --------------- I don't know what that was
**THIS POEM TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE**... damnit... damn tease.
where'd it go, bill?
it got et?
don't be shy!!tell them that NFG bought it!! go on! slather the name around!!!
(yeah!!!)
Okay...
NFG BOUGHT IT! SNAP! (hm, slathered names...) I lave the world in slathered leather feathers.
and it lathes you, cc.
lathers and laves and lathes you, alustre! xo, z
Didn't settle do this poem like, last year?? 0
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Also,
... IIIIIIIIIII'm BACK!