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Lossing Grip (Lyric) by Katie2 Time slips through my fingertips
My love for life is running thin
The river of my tears, Is going dry
My suicidal dreams, Iâve learned to live by
(chorus) Ohh, Now I lay be down to sleep
Lord please forgive me, for this deed,
But the knife of my fears took hold,
Tilted on my wrist till my body went cold
Jumping into the clouds,
Falling to the ground,
Landing on my feet,
Freedom from this pain is what I seek.
You said you didnât care,
So I through my hands in the air,
Iâm dong with fighting,
Iâm done with pain,
Iâm done with all this shit that drives me insane.
As the blade touches my skin,
I pray to go once again.
(chorus)
I see the light, blinding.
Finally my soul is free,
Walking toward my dreams,
Eternity, in your arms,
My first choice wasn't wrong
(2x chorus)
ehhh it's my first TRY lol :P
Up the ladder:
Shut Up
Down the ladder:
Something New
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.375
Posted: April 1, 2003 12:24 PM PST; Last modified: April 1, 2003 12:27 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.8319116 Overall Rank: 10824 Comments:
[5]
rockinindividual @ 66.171.43.79
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1-Apr-03/12:43 PM
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Reply
my first clue that this might not rock my world was that the title was spelled wrong...and i dont know, its okay, but it just seems like more of the "oh poor suicidal me lets see if i can cut myself deeper and feel better" crap that im getting sick of. plus you spelled several things wrong. however, your rhyme scheme is pretty good, its not too incredibly forced, and you do have several really good lines in there. i bet that with a little rewriting this could be extremely awesome...for now...5
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Katie2 @ 216.78.240.89
> rockinindividual
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1-Apr-03/12:47 PM
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Reply
Thankz rockin, I've never wrote a lyric before and I was in school today and started to wirte a poem and it ended up in a lyric, I will re-write and spell check it all when I get a chance but I did publish this in school, I work a lot now so sometimes it's a little hard. But in other words, Thank you for your comment :)
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Caducus @ 62.105.88.10
> Katie2
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2-Apr-03/5:15 AM
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Reply
Not a bad effort but the chorus is so long per line it would be nightmare singing it without dying from lack of breath. My good friend (cough) poetandknowit is very interested in how you, me, and ranger and all us 'pimple poets' write in the style we do. I hope you can help him its a shame he has issues and I'm worried about him like I worry about what aftershave I should wear for work...7 (it needs to be downsized for a lyric). Horus is the lyricmeister you need his comments.
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Katie2 @ 169.139.16.2
> Caducus
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2-Apr-03/9:00 AM
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Reply
LoL, I won't venture off and talk about poetandknowit, lol, but thankz for your comment, and I know I need to revise it, and when I get a chance I"m going to see if I can find a site that shows how a lyric should all be set up so I can work on this one more, and fix it up. My next adventure is going to try to write a Haiku (if that is how you spell it) but we'll see, I think it's kinda funny yet 'educational' to try new things like that :P But thanx agian Caducus and good luck with things :)
2 much suicidal crap in poetry, try something new.Still you inspired me 2 write make me smile.A good first go.Dont be so obvious with it.
Awwww, Katie. How sad. You hang in there girl.
Jeez all this suicide stuff gets me depressed. I really like the first verse though, cadacus is right, The chorus is a little long. I have that problem sometimes when Im writing songs as well, mine are either too long or too short, I havent mastered the middle ground. I would suggest asking someone you know you likes writing songs to help you, that always helps with alot of my weak points. But overall pretty good. -7-
Thankz for the tip blind, it's nice to see that there are a couple of people still around here that actuall give advice. =) And some of my friends also write poems, and such, so I will ask them, thanks agian, I really didn't even think about showing them, I kinda never let them read my stuff, I'm shy about things like that, lol :P Katie shy!? yup yup! lol. =)~
Ps. Watch out for those Buffalo Eating Fruit Loopz ;) 149 view(s)
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