| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
fa11ing (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub just before the fall
the damn
brittlebrown leaves,
tin trees
with veined fingers
bloodless & burned
down
deep
now dustchoked
in the angles,
the wailing
and the whiteness
mangled
metal,
papers
pulped,
dig
bodies,
x amount :
obscene.
Up the ladder:
untitled #2
Down the ladder:
The Eskimo and the fish
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: December 15, 2002 6:11 PM PST; Last modified: February 6, 2003 7:06 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5729 Comments:
oh, technically, still summer--10 days left, and whutnot. call me a pedant.
no, you are correct. crap. I always think of September as the Fall. Our Canadian summer's don't last too long.
well, it is after labor day, which is a mental touchstone for the end of summer, so most would not blink at it. i'm just yer fack-checkin'-cuz, is all.
choice read.
I like this a lot
This kicks ass.
what changed?
Besides playing with line breaks and spacing and punctuation, I added the line
"dustchoked in the angles, the wailing and the whiteness" and added a "the" to "final flight"
You have many a string to your bow, and this split the arrow,
bring The hooded man the maid (applause from the sherriff and nottinghams peasants)
Could it be 'just before the fall'? This is the best thing I've seen so far besides Tori's 'I can't see New York'. Your masculinity always comes through in your poems, dustchoked and mangled. Glistening is a strong hopefilled word. You have tremendous promise. If I could give you a gift, it would be all the right accidents.
Good suggestion. You always know the right thing to say. Just like a woman. How do they do that? You make me feel grand.
i enjoyed your sketch work,and the comics. You're quite talented.
athank you. i would post more art there, but I don't currently have access to a scanner.
I bet I'm more talented. And better in bed. And smell nicer.
God you really were my understudy weren't you. The single word final line thing is a bit tired, don't you think? Visually this is quite good, it straddles the line between normal line breaks and image. Try to make the words more interesting. 6.
306 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
p.s.--like the titular device.
the thing i remember most now is the dust that choked the great canyons of the city blocks. the wailing, the whiteness, and me half dressed, scratching rats nest hair, clutching the tv remote without strength left.