| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
untitled #2 (Lyric) by darby pyn You wear your ego like a cape.
a regal cloak a vane escape. you smile
like a new disquise afraid to look me in the
eyes. a stolen thought you made your own loss
of skin only bone. concrete demeanor you exhale
with every lie that you tell. solid body with
no lucid vision suffocating in your decision.
now your caught in plain sight slowly dying in
the light. like a rose with too much sun petals
wither an come undone. falling with no safety
net a cold collision the final debt.
Up the ladder:
Narcissus
Down the ladder:
fa11ing
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: September 8, 2002 8:12 PM PDT; Last modified: September 8, 2002 8:19 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5728 Comments:
[8]
OneFingerAnswer @ 216.138.10.5
|
8-Sep-02/8:54 PM
|
Reply
Good job. (Check for typos though)
[n/a]
darby pyn @ 205.188.209.77
> OneFingerAnswer
|
8-Sep-02/9:06 PM
|
Reply
thanx finger.
It starts really strong I think, then seems to lose momentum and organization. I really like the lines âYou wear your ego like a capeâ, and âyou smile
like a new disguise afraid to look me in the eyes.â And âlike a rose with too much sun petals wither an come undoneâ A couple of suggestions: It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too): You wear your ego like a cape. a regal cloak, a vane escape. You[r] smile, like a new [disguise] afraid to look me in the eyes. From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work. 158 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
