niyama28 Dec 2003
It starts really strong I think, then seems to lose momentum and organization. I really like the lines âYou wear your ego like a capeâ, and âyou smile
like a new disguise afraid to look me in the
eyes.â And âlike a rose with too much sun petals
wither an come undoneâ
A couple of suggestions:
It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too):
You wear your ego like a cape.
a regal cloak, a vane escape.
You[r] smile, like a new [disguise]
afraid to look me in the eyes.
From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work.