poemranker ::Returning by INTRANSIT

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Free verse № 24091

Returning

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 6 Nov 2002 · Edited 12 Nov 2002 · 25 comments

After months of swaying to relentless swells and hollows, After too many near capsizes and failed missions, After dodging one last storm, I am returning. My homeland greets me with glorious hues of lavender and amber and my heart sobs with fevered glee as I near my port. The inlet is busy, so I must negotiate for a dock. Sails furled and ship tied, I gather my belongings and call to the nearest coach During my ride, my thoughts turn to my wife and I start to weep. I have been too long at sea. She should not have to recieve my emptiness. Arriving, my chest pumps to break free. This beacon, my beacon of hope, more powerful than a thousand lighthouses, has returned me yet again, safe. On folded knees I offer silent thanks. I now realize that I am the tortured and the torturer.

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7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

25 comments

[8] Tintagiles 6-Nov-02/3:15 PM Reply
Did you have to ruin it with the last stanza?
[8] Bachus 6-Nov-02/5:52 PM Reply
i agree the last stanza lessens this drastically..here's a 6. it was well on it's way to an eight whatever that means.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Bachus 6-Nov-02/6:12 PM Reply
For what it's worth, I edited. Redundancy bit me in the ass. Revote?
[8] Tintagiles 6-Nov-02/6:15 PM Reply
The last stanza still ruins it. Especially the line in capitals.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Tintagiles 6-Nov-02/6:18 PM Reply
Delete everything from the caps down? Why I ask? For educational purposes please.
[8] Tintagiles › INTRANSIT 6-Nov-02/6:34 PM Reply
Actually, I find that the whole last stanza suddenly becomes this angsty affair reeking of cliches. The words in capitals are dreadful, dreadful, dreadful! Bad goth poetry can do no worse. (Actually, it can. But let's not get into that...) It's especially from the beacon image that it seems to go wrong. Actually, when I first read this, I was hoping it would turn out to be a retelling of Ulysses's return to Ithaca.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Tintagiles 6-Nov-02/6:40 PM Reply
Christ! Sorry to have wasted your time. I'm not near as educated as you seem to be. I'm a long haul truck driver and this is what it feels like to return home to my wonderful wife after 6-8 weeks gone. I do appreciate the info and comments. How else would I improve?
[n/a] god'swife 6-Nov-02/6:51 PM Reply
Thisis possibly the best outline you've conceived so far, I agree with Tint., the capitals should go, I don't have time right now, but I'd love to go over it with you sometime. Tomorrow perhaps. I think your writing is maturing over all.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › god'swife 7-Nov-02/6:03 AM Reply
Ok I did some shuffeling, some deletions but I replaced the "tortured" line. It feels better even to me now. Your opinion?
[8] Christof 7-Nov-02/6:02 AM Reply
I can see the Odysseus thing - allt he sailing and beacon images. I think i would finish after 'again, safe', although 'throwing my ribs/ at her feet' is good'. Perhaps hold that over for a separate poem entirely? It find this last stanza difficult because i appreciate why you want those emotions there, and it does complicate your homecoming in an interesting way, but I think your expression is just too fevered.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 7-Nov-02/6:05 AM Reply
Wow! Feed back a go-go! Hang on. Gotta think a minute.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 7-Nov-02/6:09 AM Reply
Question: Did you see the 1st draft before all the comments?
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 7-Nov-02/6:10 AM Reply
No I didn't. I gather there was some controversy over some capitals - I can't comment on those!
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 7-Nov-02/6:16 AM Reply
Thanks, it still needs editing? Less is more? Gotta make some calls. Back in a minute.
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 7-Nov-02/6:23 AM Reply
Look at m stuff and you'll see that i always think less is more! That new one I've posted today is the longest I've written in weeks. Anyway, looking at this I don't think it's a question so much of length as of tone. The last stanza seems to me just too hysterical-sounding. Perhaps if you opted for a less exalted diction e.g. 'I do not/don't deserve' not 'I deserve not' it would help. Trust your own ears though, not mine.

I don't deserve her kindness
or her pouring herself into me
but I can never stop her
because it doesn't belong to me.

Just a suggestion. Do with it as you wish.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 7-Nov-02/7:10 AM Reply
Well, shit. I didn't realize just how much repetetive stuff I had jammed into this. One last edit before I exhaust my energy on this. Gotta see zzinnia about another piece. Thanks Christof.
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 7-Nov-02/7:12 AM Reply
No problem, my friend, always glad to be of assistance.
[9] <~> › INTRANSIT 7-Nov-02/8:47 AM Reply
well, this is truer to your vision, intransit, but it's not all one voice yet. email me.
[n/a] god'swife 7-Nov-02/9:28 AM Reply
So much better, I have a serious problem with "chest pump" takes all the romance out. Sounds pornographic almost. 'stop' in the last stanza should be replaced with withdraw, or some such word.
[8] Bachus 7-Nov-02/8:02 PM Reply
line nine "with". third stanza, at the . But (lose that) start the next sentence with the but...failes or fails..guess it doesn't matter...end with "being the torturer that i am. capsized." here's an eight. 8.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Bachus 12-Nov-02/12:02 PM Reply
Hopefully the time I spent reworking this (with zzinnias help) was worth it. Thank you all. And TINTAGILES, sorry about getting snubby there. I read your profile and became insecure for a moment . I gotta stop doin' that! Thanks!
[9] <~> 12-Nov-02/12:00 PM Reply
superb.
[8] Tintagiles 12-Nov-02/12:08 PM Reply
Okay, this is rather better.
[8] Caducus 13-Nov-02/3:53 AM Reply
Felt I was at on the starboard with him, a polished ode, but help me out on the last line, why the torturer?
[9] <~> › Caducus 13-Nov-02/7:32 AM Reply
because he tortures his wife by going away