Christof7 Nov 2002

Look at m stuff and you'll see that i always think less is more! That new one I've posted today is the longest I've written in weeks. Anyway, looking at this I don't think it's a question so much of length as of tone. The last stanza seems to me just too hysterical-sounding. Perhaps if you opted for a less exalted diction e.g. 'I do not/don't deserve' not 'I deserve not' it would help. Trust your own ears though, not mine.

I don't deserve her kindness
or her pouring herself into me
but I can never stop her
because it doesn't belong to me.

Just a suggestion. Do with it as you wish.