Replying to a comment on:

Returning (Free verse) by INTRANSIT

After months of swaying to relentless swells and hollows, After too many near capsizes and failed missions, After dodging one last storm, I am returning. My homeland greets me with glorious hues of lavender and amber and my heart sobs with fevered glee as I near my port. The inlet is busy, so I must negotiate for a dock. Sails furled and ship tied, I gather my belongings and call to the nearest coach During my ride, my thoughts turn to my wife and I start to weep. I have been too long at sea. She should not have to recieve my emptiness. Arriving, my chest pumps to break free. This beacon, my beacon of hope, more powerful than a thousand lighthouses, has returned me yet again, safe. On folded knees I offer silent thanks. I now realize that I am the tortured and the torturer.

Christof 7-Nov-02/6:23 AM
Look at m stuff and you'll see that i always think less is more! That new one I've posted today is the longest I've written in weeks. Anyway, looking at this I don't think it's a question so much of length as of tone. The last stanza seems to me just too hysterical-sounding. Perhaps if you opted for a less exalted diction e.g. 'I do not/don't deserve' not 'I deserve not' it would help. Trust your own ears though, not mine.

I don't deserve her kindness
or her pouring herself into me
but I can never stop her
because it doesn't belong to me.

Just a suggestion. Do with it as you wish.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001