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Breathless. (Free verse) by Service I slide between white folds
I see myself through moist reflection.
I feel hot breath
I hear my heart, my ears ringing.
Her face is restfull.
Her eyes close, reflection lost.
A smile starts.
My hand is held, sleep comes swiftly.
Not how i thought life would be,
But now it starts with my wife to be.
Up the ladder:
the silent storm
Down the ladder:
Senses I Have
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.5555553
Posted: October 3, 2002 10:12 PM PDT; Last modified: October 3, 2002 10:12 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2777777 Overall Rank: 3783 Comments:
[9]
vulcan @ 80.242.3.89
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4-Oct-02/12:42 AM
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Reply
Well I liked it!except for the last stanza!(I expected you to say "I lost my life in a peaceful dream"!but still the first line of the last stanza is good enough"but now it brings peace, I prefer to be"how do you like it?sorry just a suggestion!7/9
Smell the cliches a mile off. It's nice, but doesn't do it for me. Sexual innuendo gets a bit dull.
wasn't that special. you're classic seven..why ? because you're luckier than us you bastard. a fine balanced poem.
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