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winter every day (Don't bother reading this) (Free verse) by balthazar
She leaves for work, I'm out of bed a cup of coffee, a bowl of cereal The paper and the kitchen table the heat hissing through the floorboards Then the doorbell It's about the front walk "$10 to shovel it?" His cheeks as red as transmission fluid "I'll get your car unstuck even" He's leaning against his shovel instead of sitting in a classroom across town Instead of riding down a hill on the back of a sled A real go-getter A yawn comes, my robe slips open Beat it, I say, before I call the cops (Later that night, he throws a snowball at our picture window) The door shuts and then it's back to bed Her side of the bed Her pillow has such a smell Like warm hair It might not sound like much but there's something about it When she calls an hour later I tell her I'm writing a poem It's about winter I tell her And children Christmas, I say, lying She tells me I should be out looking for a job getting off my ass She tells me to get out front To shovel the goddamn sidewalk

Up the ladder: words our Father
Down the ladder: Another Julie

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.6
Weighted score: 4.833116
Overall Rank: 10789
Posted: September 13, 2002 2:02 PM PDT; Last modified: September 26, 2002 8:11 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] beakism @ 213.122.6.103 | 13-Sep-02/2:15 PM | Reply
I have a friend who has a friend (well, maybe not a friend, but he knows him in any case), who decided, one winter, he'd make some money by clearing the ice and snow from people's driveways. His technique was a masterful stroke of genius - he splashed hot water on the drive, melting the ice and thus clearing the danger. Unfortunately, this boy neglected to consider what would happen when his hot water became less hot, and froze, and turned into black ice.
[7] [mojo] @ 195.92.168.166 | 13-Sep-02/2:56 PM | Reply
Paints a picture, but treads that fine line between poetry and prose. Then again who's to say.7.
[4] pete @ 194.222.69.43 | 13-Sep-02/3:14 PM | Reply
ditto ... kinda funny .. 4
[9] <~> @ 68.63.97.120 | 13-Sep-02/4:56 PM | Reply
is the f-ing walk shovelled yet? of course it's not. why would it be? balthazar, how many times have i told you to lose those 3 creeps that are always hanging around, and get some real writing done? and go make me a goddam sammich!
[6] god'swife @ 209.178.176.79 | 13-Sep-02/4:59 PM | Reply
Could be a real gem if you polished it. The last stanza i think is the best and could stay as is. Can you describe the smell of her pillow?
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 13-Sep-02/8:08 PM | Reply
probably the best thing of yours yet for me. yet i am hardly worth a pissed cursive name in a snowbank. 8/10.
[6] poetandknowit @ 65.101.212.210 | 15-Sep-02/7:44 PM | Reply
When your robe slips open and you tell him to beat it. That was a great Freudian slip. What did you really want Balth? Hmmm. But really, quite nice in places. I personally would remove the goddamn. It has more of an effect without it. I don't know I am also not a fan of dialogue in poems, but that is just me. And didn't you find a mate who let you loaf at the typewriter all day. It is important work! Half of being a good writer is finding a significant other with a fantastic job!!!!
[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 17-Sep-02/7:18 AM | Reply
god! i love it when my pillow smells like that!!!
[9] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 24-Sep-02/7:54 AM | Reply
I wish I could lounge at the typewriter all day..some of us poor bastards have to work you know...you don't know how lucky you are...Well maybe you do. This is super. Top stuff.
[n/a] deleted user @ 167.206.181.179 > Christof | 24-Sep-02/8:04 AM | Reply
thanks, c.
[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 26-Sep-02/7:56 AM | Reply
do women say, 'hitiing the pavement'? that sounds like a dad thing.
[n/a] deleted user @ 167.206.181.179 > <~> | 26-Sep-02/8:12 AM | Reply
true, i just changed it. and nobody talks about my dad! nobody! (and if they do, they at least call him Daddy.)
[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > deleted user | 26-Sep-02/8:14 AM | Reply
who's yer daddy? a math teacher?

yes, i believe he is. mmm, cherry:

3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 ...
[n/a] deleted user @ 167.206.181.179 > <~> | 26-Sep-02/8:19 AM | Reply
no...more...pi(e)...!
[10] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154 | 27-Jan-03/4:07 PM | Reply
Yes, I know.
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