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The Populous (Free verse) by durr_T_hip_E they run from discontentment
and beg for a
quiet
whispering
disconnection
in perfect form
a water molecule
splashing up from
a rain puddle
under a foot
dirty sneakers
indicative of experience
grey long rain clouds
patter necessity to the ground
like babies
lunging for their right to breathe peacefully
dew drops are
intently focused upon
casual beauty of self
a reflection of
grasshoppers drowning in this sparkling moment
the sidewalk lives
less than a block away
from any place
where oceans collide with sunsets
we are warmed here
frictionless elements are
connected
by and by
and
severed ties remain
as the only way
to teach unity
discontentment disconnects puddle drops from feet
we are
fleeting carriers
Up the ladder:
You Were a Jerk to me in my Dream Last Night
Down the ladder:
The Joynt
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Posted: March 22, 2005 11:30 AM PST; Last modified: March 22, 2005 11:30 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.928861 Overall Rank: 9230 Comments:
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punctuation, well, whatever - this was originally published in a quarterly journal with punctuation - i recently started playing with some old poems and removing punctuation for presentation and effect - i guess i know how it's perceived in this piece! as far as something personal, well, i'm sorry my words failed to set off any associations in your memory... better luck next time..
thanx for the critique,
peace,
sean
prior to signing up on this site, my original thoughts upon reviewing it were as follows,
"way too much ego floating around this site"
"way too much bad poetry on this site"
"way too many people who think they know what perfection is"
"not enough constructive criticism/feedback"
your comment has me picturing you perceiving yourself as sitting upon a cloud looking down upon all the feeble people below as though they were put there for your amusement...
i'd like to hear a dick's version of truth and reality, so why don't you include that in your next constructive comment so we can create more "asymmetry of conversation."
peace,
sean
btw...no...not usually <<<------answer to your other post questioning whether or not i perceive my words to be "bollocks."
i do, however, think to myself when i run into the likes of you, "good Christ, he thinks he's God, we better not talk."
i also think that if you think it's all "unbelievable waffle," that you probably have the intellectual capacity of your average college student in america, which is the same as the average 4 year old child in ethiopia.
good luck with your righteousness.
peace,
sean
Here's your constructive criticism:
1) I'd recomment shutting up about proving yourself correct. The reader's likely to think you're a little self-righteous snit.
2) The reader might get a little lost when you leap from -=Dark_Angel=-,P.I.'s comment to him thinking he's God, as calling things bollocks isn't something most people usually think of God as doing.
3) That intellectual capacity thing is crap. For another thing, you know it's not very cogent. And anyway -=Dark_Angel=-,P.I. can argue, reason, communicate in English, type, and do anything else related to posting comments about other people's "unbelievable waffle" better than any Ethiopian, child or not. If you attempt to argue about this, you will be more than usually talking out of your ass.
4) But hey, great title! Hey, people are populous, what a concept!!!!
tchuss,
zodiac
2) If the reader gets lost, well, I take partial responsibility; however, it probably means they should pay closer attention. God may not call things "bollocks" in that particular context. However, my reference was to the fact that, according to the faithful, it is God and God alone that has the authority to pass judgment. God, symbollically meaning the ultimate of all truth and knowledge, is the only entity that has the capacity to label a thing as truth or falsehood - humans like us fall short due to our inability to hold all knowledge.
3) The intellectual capacity thing is called sarcasm and exaggeration or rhetoric. As far as me being cogent, well, that goes back to a long line of argument which only ends in us, at this point, concluding that you believe you have the cogent perception/argument which also leads us to conclude, since you are here trying to change my behavior with your "better" way or "better" argument, that YOU, zodiac, are the righteous one, taking it upon yourself to police these boards and set those "fools" straight in their perception. To take on your tone in reply to your assertion that DAPI can "argue, reason, communicate in English, type, and do anything else related to posting comments about other people's "unbelievable waffle" better than any Ethiopian, child or not," well, you are a keen observer of the obvious, but, again, a not so keen observer of sarcasm and rhetoric. Rather, you are the type of person who takes things literally almost all the time and probably whines to his mother any time someone hurts him with some callous comment.
4) Who's the pompous, pretentious, arrogant, and self rigteous one?
In closing...I'm done responding to this childish crap...if you wish to continue about normal relations like an adult...if you wish to make this site a productive site that people enjoy...I suggest you grow up.
peace,
sean
"To respond to zodiac, though I shouldn't:
1) I said -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. was proving my point, which you're also doing; therefore I don't need to.
For me to be self-righteous, I'd have to think my behavior was a model, and that it was my duty to change you. I don't believe either. In fact, I'd rather you continue in the same way, so we can see who the righteous one really is.
2) If the reader gets lost, well, I'm partly responsible. But it probably means they should pay closer attention.
God may not call things "bollocks" in that particular context. But I meant that, according to the faithful, God alone has the authority to pass judgment. In that God represents truth and knowledge, only he can judge a thing true or false. Humans fall short, because we don't know everything."
I shall stop here, because point 3 is an impenetrable fuck-tangle of unbelievable guff.
IMPROVEMENTS:
1. Contains line breaks. The original is an enormous, unbroken cud-sausage of words.
2. Uses less than half as many words as the original.
3. Operates at a cognitive level above that of a pea.
4. Spelled and punctuated properly. Devoid of ellipses.
5. Avoids tortuous noun chains.
6. Sounds less like a prime bollock.
7. Your a tool.
Until you learn to write without sounding like a first-year philosophy essay, shut up.
P.S. My name is spelled with two hyphens, two equals signs, an underscore, a comma, and two full stops. I went to the trouble of legally changing it, so you might as well get it right.
i red manny uv yer prevE-us posts n' u hve tha' ablity to giv
good critique/feedback...yet, the majority of tha' time u just focus on nit picking and trying to mold every1 on the site into your vision of what should be...
i dont have the desire to start, nor the need to make myself feel better by, correcting your post...but, to prove a point:
in #7 above:
your needs to be you're....you forgot YOUR rules captain grammar.
peace,
sean
p.s. i hope YOU'RE feeling better about life today
Congratulations, your a thicky.
b) populace
Without checking, which of the above is an adjective? Just curious. I'll know if you checked.
1) If you weren't proven right by either yourself or others, would your brain explode?
2) Plenty of people have the ability to label things truths or falsehoods, especially when discussing things in whose creation God was pretty much uninvolved - like English use or the specialized jargon of philosophy. In fact, it's possible that an educated human is more qualified to call poor English or Philosophy-lingo use "bollocks" than God. Particularly given the likelihood that if God called something other than real bollocks bollocks, he'd either vanish in a puff of trump or the thing discussed would instantly change into a real and perfect bunch of bollocks. Neither of which, I think you'll agree, is something any of us want to see in our lifetimes.
3) Oh, sorry. You were being sarcastic. Then your comment simply doesn't make any sense.
4) I'm self-righteous about English use, which happens to be the subject at hand and something I've spent the last god-knows-how-many years getting a very specialized education in order to discuss accurately. By the way, I don't think you know what self-righteous really means. The real slur was "snit" - for which, I see, you've got no answer :-(
5) I spent 1,000 comments trying to make this site - or at least the spelling and poetry writing aspects of it - more adult. Give it about five shots and you'll see what I'm talking about.
peace
-- a water molecule splashing up --
you mean 3 billion trillion, right?
do babies really patter necessity to the ground as they're lunging for their first breath? I actually have no idea when a baby is likely to take its first piss. Perhaps you're right.
--dew drops...grasshoppers drowning..
??? Wtf does that have to do with disaffectation? Are the dewdrops sentient, are they actually actively rolling around seeking out grasshoppers to drown in some metaphorical expression of the discontentment of the masses? The next image has even less to do with the pome. Admit it: the phrase "oceans collide with sunsets" came into your head and gave you a woody, and you've never had the self-discipline to say "this has nothing to do with the pome" and elide it.
How do frictionless elements get warmed? What does it mean for them to become warm? Then -- lets see if I've got this right -- connections develop between the frictionless elements, are then severed (by a severer who remains quite anonymous in the work) and the little severed floppy bits of the connections remain lying around to teach unity to the frictionless elements. What the fuck does that mean...is it, like, a metaphor?
What is it a metaphor FOR?
Please tell me one thing, because I confess as I reconstructed the imagery in my head I became quite curious about one detail...the remains of the severed connections that litter the space inhabited by the frictionless elements...do they sort of twitch and flop about? or do they teach us unity by lying quite deathly still? are they angry little writhing earthworms of severed empathy, or pale little gloworm ghosts of lost dreams of cameraderie?
So anyway, you were walking along in Seattle, stepped in a mudpuddle, caught a glimpse of a grasshopper & a dewdrop, experieneced a sudden moment of disassociation, in the clarity of which you noticed you share your general sense of discontentment with all the other schmucks walking around in the rain, shook it off and walked on with a fleeting sense of mortality and a renewed commitment to your own affectation of alienation.
well, good luck with your colliding sunsets and keeping your frictionless elements warm.
peace,
Goad