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Gilded Stumps of Olde (AN STORY THAT IS NOT AN POEME) (Other) by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
PART THE FIRST 'Twas 18--, and the splendid gaylleon "Choad Of Choad Hall" sailed 'pon seas of old. Captain Gaybrush Threepchoad sat on the poop deck with his enslaved rear admiral The Choadst Pirgayte LeChoadk, two gilded badmington rackets protruding from the captain's mangled leg-stumps. The pirates were concentrating fiercely over a weeping pirate trapped in a barrel. "Avast! I hate this accursed game!" cried LeChoadk. "Tis the work of Sir Nudelot!" Gnashing his buttocks, he heaved the barrel over the side of the wessel, causing a brown substance to coat the poop deck. "A har har har!" laughed the Captain, his badmington rackets gleaming in the twilight. "Ye shall never best me at Poop-Up Pirate! Now scrub the poop deck!" "Never!" exclaimed the rear admiral. With that, he flicked a lever on his ruff and his false bum flew open, revealing two jewel-encrusted blunderbi. He whirled round, squatted, and released a volley of butte-shot at Gaybrush. But before the sinful pellets could reach their mark, a bulbous cry pierced the air. "Ship a'hoy! Giant floater off the starboard poop deck!" came the cry from the prawne's nest. Galvanised to action, the squabbling buccaneers slid frantically 'round the poop deck. Threepchoad, after stepping in the officer's mess, took his place proudly 'pon the chaplain's poop deck. Meanwhile, LeChoadk scrambled up the rigging and mounted the prawne's nest, cocking his mahogany firearms as he climbed. Peering through the stethoscope, he spied the HMS "Squatting Dutchman" and hoisted the Skull and Hot Cross Buns. But when the two wessels drew near, the Choadst Pirgayte saw that the ship was abandoned. Threepchoad swung aboard onto the enemy poop deck, his badmington rackets bending under the impact, and descended into the ship's bowels. At last he came to a cabin whose door bore the legend "The Buttcracker Suite". Gaybrush heard a rhythmic creaking, but paid no heed, and slipped moistly inside. The door shut with a hideous groan. The Captain quietly crept into the gloom, the creaking noise growing ever louder. Suddenly, he heard the groan again, but this time he realised it was coming from the same place as the creaking! For there, in the shadows, hunched double on a rocking horse, sat R------ S----. He was nude. Threepchoad unsheathed his trusty buttlass and stabbed the rascal in his swollen crotch. With a final burbling moan, S---- fell to the floor, nude. Gaybrush fetched some fine silken pantaloons from the dresser and clothed the corpse. And that was the end of S----'s nudity. The Captain then gleefully extracted the parson's nose from the twitching body, wiped his buttlass on the stained rug and quit the nudechamber. Later, after celebrating with sherry, baps and light chat on the poop deck, the two pirates drank pilfer'd rum from silver tankards and talked of misadventures past. When the sun had set, Threepchoad raised his mug in a toast to his companion. "You know, LeChoadk, I couldn't have done it without you!" And the two pirates laughed long into the night. PART THE SECOND 'Twas a merry morn on the good ship "Choad of Choad Hall". The sun shone brilliantly on Rear Admiral LeChoadk, who was strolling arrogantly on the poop deck, hands behind his back. He sang a hearty hymn as he walked to accompany the frenzied hornpiping of the ship's prawne. What a fine hornpipe, thought LeChoadk, gazing upon the prawne in admiration. One might even say 'twas a prawnepipe! He allowed himself a moderate chuckle; then he stepped on the prawne. The prawne bleated as it was crushed. "Aye, I thought as much," observed LeChoadk. "Now, back to the prawne's nest with ye!" The brave prawne hobbled to the base of the rigging, but was unable to ascend. Its many legs writhed in shame and it began crying. For it, of all prawnes, knew that the "Choad" had no room for crushedaceans. LeChoadk peered at the sole of his starboard plimpsoll with distaste. Of all the foul things to bestain a gentleman's shoe, why were prawne innards bestaining his? Donning velveteen stirrups, he mounted the flattened prawne and galloped down to the finery poop deck. There, to his dismay, stood the ne'er-do-well captain, Gaybrush Threepchoad. Threepchoad was merrily beating a blindfolded slave about the pate with his left badmington racket, all the while lubricating him with a greased parson's nose. "Cease yer embrowning!" cried LeChoadk, weeping at the sight of the captain's cruelty. "I've tolerated yer obsession with parson's noses for nearly three decades. But ye've embrowned every slave on the ship, and now naught but a crippled prawne mans the poop deck!" The captain glanced up at the Choadst Pirgayte. He shook his head slowly, then raised the parson's nose to his nostrils and inhaled deeply. But before he could say anything, a nude figure suddenly sprinted across the poop deck. "Nude a'hoy!" bellowed the squashed prawne. "NUDESTATIONS! ALL HANDS TO NUDESTATIONS!" LeChoadk immediately activated his deadly bum and tried to draw a bead on the nude. The nude snatched away his crayon before he could finish. Undaunted, the admiral sprayed a fearful torrent of filth from his blunderbi, and in seconds the air was filled with his wrath. But the naughty nude ducked and weaved and managed to escape onto the dreaded haunted poop deck! LeChoadk gave chase, carefully treading on the now two-dimensional prawne. The nude was cowering in the corner of the haunted poop deck, trapped on all sides by the ghosts of fallen prawnes. LeChoadk stood squarely, hands on hips, bum pointing at the cad. Summoning all his pow'r, he launched from the bum his treasured safety net! The net had been owned by his father's bum, and before that his father's bum's bum, who knitted it from a fine knapsack. Now it lived up to its soiled heritage as it flew true t'ward the nude, enweaving his flailing limbs and belacerating his cheeks. Quickly, the admiral removed the abomination's birthday suit, seeing that the label read "D---- R-----". And that was the end of the nude's nudity. It was also the end of the nude. Later, after a story and a nap, and a bap, LeChoadk and Threepchoad enjoyed a selection of vegetable dips on the poop deck. Gaybrush suggested they play hopscotch, but then he remembered they didn't have a hopscotch court. Then the two sat in silence, because it was quiet time. But when the eve finally drew to a close, LeChoadk stood up and raised his dipping sieve in a toast. "You know, Ship's Prawne, I couldn't have done it without you!" And the two kindly pirates repeatedly trod on the prawne's corpse long into the night. INTERLUDE, IN WHICH THE BRAVE CAPTAIN THREEPCHOAD IS MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTERED PART THE THIRD LeChoadk was an old man now, his days of plunder and naughtiness long past. As he painfully recalled the nude mutilation of his beloved Captain, Gaybrush Threepchoad, LeChoadk suddenly burst into song. The song was called, "When I needed a neighbour," and ran in the Common tongue. "Ho! I was cold, I was naked Were you there, were you there? I was cold, I was naked Were you nude?" He sang for many days, and many a prawne did nestle nearby to bear witness to the pirate's sinful howls. At last, when his beard had wither'd away so that merely the husk remained, the grizzled warrior pulled down his silken pantaloons and charged into battle. LeChoadk knew he was unstoppable, for he wielded the mighty Buttlass of Gayskull, which he had beplucked from the twitching cadaver of Threepchoad. The enhusked rogue held the sabre aloft and cried, "By the power of Prawnelehem!" but could not remember the rest. He also did not know where to do battle. He looked under bramble, o'er road, twixt ri'er and dale and beyond his own choad. But all he found was a pair of discarded lozenges. Finally, he looked in the one place he had heretofore feared - his own Sole! And so, after many dreary days in the doldrums, the fearsome pirate caught a glimpse of the diseased Pigeon through the stethoscope. He ordered Ship's Prawne to load the cannon and light the wick. It did as 'twas told, fearing its master's baffling cruelty. The elderly cannon erupted in a vast, bloated cloud of sin. Its task completed, Ship's Prawne looked up at its master with pride, tears of joy welling in its useless orbs. But then an eye belonging to Pigeon landed with a savoury plop on Threepchoad's corpse, which LeChoadk had brought with him for merry-making. "Avast! 'Tis Captain Birdseye! Tuck in!" shrieked the excited pirate, cackling madly at his hilarious jest. His bum caught fire in the confusion. Later, after imbibing fine wines and watching Robin Williams' epic comedy Jumanji on the drawing room poop deck, LeChoadk and Ship's Prawne put their hands together and sang hymn number 50, "When A Knight Won His Spurs." After the rousing carol was over, LeChoadk raised his beaker in a toast to his faithful slave. "A har har har! Thanks, me old Prawne!" shouted LeChoadk. The prawne tried to run, but his mangled limbs merely crumpled under his weight. The Choadst Pirgayte snatched him up in a bap, and, shivering his timbers, gobbled the squealing Ship's Prawne long into the night. THE END

Down the ladder: Swan Lake

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 1172
.. 07
.. 21
.. 00
.. 01
.. 30
.. 00
.. 02
.. 10
.. 03
.. 1919

Arithmetic Mean: 6.7304964
Weighted score: 6.7304964
Overall Rank: 472
Posted: August 22, 2002 10:02 AM PDT; Last modified: August 22, 2002 2:06 PM PDT
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Comments:
[10] god'swife @ 209.179.210.111 | 22-Aug-02/2:34 PM | Reply
Best story I've read in a long time. Great composition. It's complicated but there's no meandering. I think this would make a great kid's book. I know my 11 year old would piss his pants laughing and squealing with joy. I respect your ability to create great humor. Funny. 10/10
[5] <~> @ 24.44.185.41 | 22-Aug-02/8:47 PM | Reply
ah! there are few who could prawne off a tale like this in such a splendid manner! i am glad i saved it until i could fully enjoy it, savor it, as LeChoadk savored his faithful (and squealing) servant. thanks for a rollicking tale, -=Dark_Angel=- !
[n/a] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 23-Aug-02/2:17 AM | Reply
This is fantastic, and no doubt historically accurate. It's a long time since I laughed out loud at my computer. Bonza.
[10] razorgrin @ 142.166.105.133 | 23-Aug-02/6:34 AM | Reply
best story I've read in a while. I wiggle my leg before the genius that is -=Dark_Angel=-. Truly sir, you are the king of kings.
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.101.212.157 | 23-Aug-02/3:10 PM | Reply
I think they are all over reacting. Because although you are the Joyce Carol Oates of fragmented poetic parody and this is the foundation of all your criticism (i.e. I am the verbal watchdog and I will cast you down with any debate and you cannot even say my poetry is shit because I write it to be shit therefore all of you arguments will send you spinning in a circular catch-22), it is not the fucking the "greatest story ever told" as your minions seem to think. It is a ditty and continues your legacy of shit. Better?
[n/a] The_Third_Isis @ 24.126.113.154 > poetandknowit | 22-Oct-03/11:39 PM | Reply
A "Circular catch-22"? Is that different from the square version?
[0] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 23-Aug-02/3:21 PM | Reply
this is a glossary so fucking layered...unreal..it's the backstory of gilgamesh and a gay harry crumb...i drank upon my prawne all night, and indeede enbrowned my limp wrist and vomited through reddening fingers like a rainbird sprinkler...i fuckin love this and da...i want to rape his prawne and keelhaul myself gay blade drawn...the whole thing is just too fucking good...io have no more worde' to be so stiff' and create a new'''way of crushtations and nuding fuck...i personally i'm speechless and errot flynned right in the chamber of frocked cauliflower poop shooters ahoy...arhh 10/10/10/10!
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.101.212.157 | 23-Aug-02/3:25 PM | Reply
Shit as a metaphor, not a poem type. Sorry to mislead. the poem or not a poeme but story in this case is quite the amusing ditty.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ | 23-Aug-02/5:07 PM | Reply
"PAKI", you are misled. I don't believe I have ever said that my "poetry" is supposed to be bad. I have said that two of the poemes that I wrote that are in the worst section were intended to end up in the worst section (the 'AIDS in a <x>' limericks). Surely even you can believe that. I have also said that, when certain people criticise my poetry, they are misguided simply because they assume I am trying to do something I am not (e.g. "create a beautiful image", "say something profound about the nature of human existence"). Most of my most vehement detractors (and most of those who I defend myself against) are teenagers whose cack love poetry I have disparaged. It would be incredibly stupid to do what you claim I do and say "I'm intentionally bad, so by calling me bad you are calling me good". Most of my disparaging comments go on the basis that some poemes are just rubbish, unless the goal is specifically to create that exact style of poeme. My criteria for rubbishness include unaware clichedness, technical incompetence, banal sentiment, etc. These are accurate criteria in most cases. If you care to notice, I rarely seriously disparage the 'serious' poetes' poemes, because since they don't meet any of the 'universal' criteria for rubbishness, and I don't know what it is they're trying to do, my comments would likely be misguided. As for this story, I do not think it is as mediocre as you make it out to be. Perhaps that is because I wrote it. I think you are annoyed that horus8 likes it, because you don't like it and you can't see why he does. I may be wrong. I think he likes it for the same reason I wrote it, which is one of those things that is nearly impossible to succinctly explain. Or maybe he is just being incredibly ironic, and he hates it. Who knows?!?! Good comment though!!
[10] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 23-Aug-02/5:46 PM | Reply
no. i like it...cuz it's about as crafty and imaginative as it can get. i get it, and i thinks it's real fucking "curio".
[n/a] ==Doylum @ 213.122.147.251 | 23-Aug-02/5:50 PM | Reply
make them shorter bastard. And where the fuck are Ramu and Sita and roger red hat. You fucker mother said my reading was getting better. But when you write such long writtings i get angry cause i'm only on no.12
[10] Bachus @ 24.126.117.82 | 7-Nov-02/8:13 PM | Reply
congradulations. here's a corvette and a superman lunchbox i got off of ebay. it has a tupperware pringle holder.
[n/a] cleverdevice @ 212.219.142.161 | 11-Nov-02/3:08 AM | Reply
Excellent. How can this not get 10s across the board? This must have taken ages to write but its well worth it.
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.101.210.174 | 13-Nov-02/8:51 AM | Reply
somebody it secretly pushing DA to the top. who is it and why?
[0] BUFFY0BSESSED @ 68.32.39.91 | 20-Nov-02/2:38 PM | Reply
OMG you idiot, its A STORY! not AN STORY!
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.213.23 > BUFFY0BSESSED | 20-Nov-02/4:59 PM | Reply
WHOOPSIE!I guess I havnt spent enuogh time checking it,have i?PLZ tellme any other mastakes you spot!!!!111
[10] Ranger @ 212.219.142.161 | 21-Nov-02/2:41 AM | Reply
I really think this is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time...definately worthy of a big fat ten!
[n/a] Yardbird @ 212.219.142.161 | 22-Nov-02/5:36 AM | Reply
Fair to middling, with typos galore. 4, and see this as generosity, seeing as this beats your usual prattle.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > Yardbird | 22-Nov-02/8:00 AM | Reply
TYPOS? THERE AREN'T ANY TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN. LOL SHOE-BE-DO-BE-DO
[8] -=SeTTle=- @ 140.186.49.87 | 23-Nov-02/11:31 PM | Reply
OH GOD MONKEY ISLAND POETRY
[10] Ranger @ 212.219.142.161 | 25-Nov-02/4:32 AM | Reply
Has anyone read my last comment re Yardbird (on Childe of my Buttocks)? Please consider it to apply here as well. This is the funniest thing on poemranker and is worthy of a top two place-if not number one.
[0] deleted user @ 172.180.38.92 | 26-Nov-02/3:09 PM | Reply
you must get out more
[5] lunar @ 195.92.194.13 | 10-Dec-02/9:05 AM | Reply
why do u always spell poem and poet with an 'e' on the end? it makes u look like a pretentious prat. (or is that the whole idea?)
[0] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > lunar | 10-Dec-02/9:34 AM | Reply
it's a style flair he acquired while playing pyrgaits with the welsh. bottoms up ye land lovers!
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.213.23 > lunar | 10-Dec-02/11:39 AM | Reply
What do YOU think, my child?
[5] lunar @ 195.92.194.14 | 10-Dec-02/1:50 PM | Reply
me or horus8?
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.213.23 > lunar | 10-Dec-02/5:15 PM | Reply
Who do YOU think, my child?
[5] lunar @ 195.92.194.15 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 11-Dec-02/2:11 PM | Reply
well to be honest i didnt read it all coz i dont have the time but it seems to be one of ur better ones coz it hasnt offended too many people
[0] ~incarnate~ @ 198.146.135.219 | 11-Dec-02/9:44 AM | Reply
This is the shitiest, nastiest, most barbaric shit I've ever been unfortunate to lay my eyes on. You either need to get a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you're watching too much porn!!! your brain IS quite fuddled and this is the greatest level of obscene madness I've ever seen. I love it...NOT!
[2] kingit @ 67.68.48.248 | 10-Oct-03/2:34 PM | Reply
yuk-yuck
[0] tadpole @ 24.55.116.69 | 10-Oct-03/9:28 PM | Reply
POEME, NO!!!!!
POEM, YES!!!!!
tooooooooooooooo looooooooooong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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