Gilded Stumps of Olde (AN STORY THAT IS NOT AN POEME) (Other) by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
PART THE FIRST
'Twas 18--, and the splendid gaylleon "Choad Of Choad Hall"
sailed 'pon seas of old. Captain Gaybrush Threepchoad sat
on the poop deck with his enslaved rear admiral The Choadst
Pirgayte LeChoadk, two gilded badmington rackets protruding
from the captain's mangled leg-stumps. The pirates were
concentrating fiercely over a weeping pirate trapped in a
"Avast! I hate this accursed game!" cried LeChoadk. "Tis
the work of Sir Nudelot!" Gnashing his buttocks, he heaved
the barrel over the side of the wessel, causing a brown
substance to coat the poop deck. "A har har har!" laughed
the Captain, his badmington rackets gleaming in the
twilight. "Ye shall never best me at Poop-Up Pirate! Now
scrub the poop deck!"
"Never!" exclaimed the rear admiral. With that, he flicked
a lever on his ruff and his false bum flew open, revealing
two jewel-encrusted blunderbi. He whirled round, squatted,
and released a volley of butte-shot at Gaybrush. But before
the sinful pellets could reach their mark, a bulbous cry
pierced the air.
"Ship a'hoy! Giant floater off the starboard poop deck!"
came the cry from the prawne's nest. Galvanised to action,
the squabbling buccaneers slid frantically 'round the poop
deck. Threepchoad, after stepping in the officer's mess,
took his place proudly 'pon the chaplain's poop deck.
Meanwhile, LeChoadk scrambled up the rigging and mounted
the prawne's nest, cocking his mahogany firearms as he
climbed. Peering through the stethoscope, he spied the HMS
"Squatting Dutchman" and hoisted the Skull and Hot Cross
But when the two wessels drew near, the Choadst Pirgayte
saw that the ship was abandoned. Threepchoad swung aboard
onto the enemy poop deck, his badmington rackets bending
under the impact, and descended into the ship's bowels. At
last he came to a cabin whose door bore the legend "The
Buttcracker Suite". Gaybrush heard a rhythmic creaking, but
paid no heed, and slipped moistly inside.
The door shut with a hideous groan. The Captain quietly
crept into the gloom, the creaking noise growing ever
louder. Suddenly, he heard the groan again, but this time
he realised it was coming from the same place as the
creaking! For there, in the shadows, hunched double on a
rocking horse, sat R------ S----. He was nude.
Threepchoad unsheathed his trusty buttlass and stabbed the
rascal in his swollen crotch. With a final burbling moan,
S---- fell to the floor, nude. Gaybrush fetched some fine
silken pantaloons from the dresser and clothed the corpse.
And that was the end of S----'s nudity. The Captain then
gleefully extracted the parson's nose from the twitching
body, wiped his buttlass on the stained rug and quit the
Later, after celebrating with sherry, baps and light chat
on the poop deck, the two pirates drank pilfer'd rum from
silver tankards and talked of misadventures past. When the
sun had set, Threepchoad raised his mug in a toast to his
"You know, LeChoadk, I couldn't have done it without you!"
And the two pirates laughed long into the night.
PART THE SECOND
'Twas a merry morn on the good ship "Choad of Choad Hall".
The sun shone brilliantly on Rear Admiral LeChoadk, who was
strolling arrogantly on the poop deck, hands behind his
back. He sang a hearty hymn as he walked to accompany the
frenzied hornpiping of the ship's prawne. What a fine
hornpipe, thought LeChoadk, gazing upon the prawne in
admiration. One might even say 'twas a prawnepipe! He
allowed himself a moderate chuckle; then he stepped on the
prawne. The prawne bleated as it was crushed.
"Aye, I thought as much," observed LeChoadk. "Now, back to
the prawne's nest with ye!" The brave prawne hobbled to the
base of the rigging, but was unable to ascend. Its many
legs writhed in shame and it began crying. For it, of all
prawnes, knew that the "Choad" had no room for
LeChoadk peered at the sole of his starboard plimpsoll with
distaste. Of all the foul things to bestain a gentleman's
shoe, why were prawne innards bestaining his? Donning
velveteen stirrups, he mounted the flattened prawne and
galloped down to the finery poop deck. There, to his
dismay, stood the ne'er-do-well captain, Gaybrush
Threepchoad. Threepchoad was merrily beating a blindfolded
slave about the pate with his left badmington racket, all
the while lubricating him with a greased parson's nose.
"Cease yer embrowning!" cried LeChoadk, weeping at the
sight of the captain's cruelty. "I've tolerated yer
obsession with parson's noses for nearly three decades. But
ye've embrowned every slave on the ship, and now naught but
a crippled prawne mans the poop deck!" The captain glanced
up at the Choadst Pirgayte. He shook his head slowly, then
raised the parson's nose to his nostrils and inhaled
deeply. But before he could say anything, a nude figure
suddenly sprinted across the poop deck.
"Nude a'hoy!" bellowed the squashed prawne. "NUDESTATIONS!
ALL HANDS TO NUDESTATIONS!" LeChoadk immediately activated
his deadly bum and tried to draw a bead on the nude. The
nude snatched away his crayon before he could finish.
Undaunted, the admiral sprayed a fearful torrent of filth
from his blunderbi, and in seconds the air was filled with
his wrath. But the naughty nude ducked and weaved and
managed to escape onto the dreaded haunted poop deck!
LeChoadk gave chase, carefully treading on the now
The nude was cowering in the corner of the haunted poop
deck, trapped on all sides by the ghosts of fallen prawnes.
LeChoadk stood squarely, hands on hips, bum pointing at the
cad. Summoning all his pow'r, he launched from the bum his
treasured safety net! The net had been owned by his
father's bum, and before that his father's bum's bum, who
knitted it from a fine knapsack. Now it lived up to its
soiled heritage as it flew true t'ward the nude, enweaving
his flailing limbs and belacerating his cheeks. Quickly,
the admiral removed the abomination's birthday suit, seeing
that the label read "D---- R-----". And that was the end of
the nude's nudity. It was also the end of the nude.
Later, after a story and a nap, and a bap, LeChoadk and
Threepchoad enjoyed a selection of vegetable dips on the
poop deck. Gaybrush suggested they play hopscotch, but then
he remembered they didn't have a hopscotch court. Then the
two sat in silence, because it was quiet time. But when the
eve finally drew to a close, LeChoadk stood up and raised
his dipping sieve in a toast.
"You know, Ship's Prawne, I couldn't have done it without
you!" And the two kindly pirates repeatedly trod on the
prawne's corpse long into the night.
INTERLUDE, IN WHICH THE BRAVE CAPTAIN THREEPCHOAD
IS MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTERED
PART THE THIRD
LeChoadk was an old man now, his days of plunder and
naughtiness long past. As he painfully recalled the nude
mutilation of his beloved Captain, Gaybrush Threepchoad,
LeChoadk suddenly burst into song. The song was called,
"When I needed a neighbour," and ran in the Common tongue.
I was cold, I was naked
Were you there, were you there?
I was cold, I was naked
Were you nude?"
He sang for many days, and many a prawne did nestle nearby
to bear witness to the pirate's sinful howls. At last, when
his beard had wither'd away so that merely the husk
remained, the grizzled warrior pulled down his silken
pantaloons and charged into battle.
LeChoadk knew he was unstoppable, for he wielded the mighty
Buttlass of Gayskull, which he had beplucked from the
twitching cadaver of Threepchoad. The enhusked rogue held
the sabre aloft and cried, "By the power of Prawnelehem!"
but could not remember the rest. He also did not know where
to do battle.
He looked under bramble, o'er road, twixt ri'er and dale
and beyond his own choad. But all he found was a pair of
discarded lozenges. Finally, he looked in the one place he
had heretofore feared - his own Sole!
And so, after many dreary days in the doldrums, the
fearsome pirate caught a glimpse of the diseased Pigeon
through the stethoscope. He ordered Ship's Prawne to load
the cannon and light the wick. It did as 'twas told, fearing
its master's baffling cruelty. The elderly cannon erupted
in a vast, bloated cloud of sin.
Its task completed, Ship's Prawne looked up at its master
with pride, tears of joy welling in its useless orbs. But
then an eye belonging to Pigeon landed with a savoury
plop on Threepchoad's corpse, which LeChoadk had brought
with him for merry-making.
"Avast! 'Tis Captain Birdseye! Tuck in!" shrieked the
excited pirate, cackling madly at his hilarious jest. His
bum caught fire in the confusion.
Later, after imbibing fine wines and watching Robin
Williams' epic comedy Jumanji on the drawing room poop
deck, LeChoadk and Ship's Prawne put their hands together
and sang hymn number 50, "When A Knight Won His Spurs."
After the rousing carol was over, LeChoadk raised his
beaker in a toast to his faithful slave.
"A har har har! Thanks, me old Prawne!" shouted LeChoadk.
The prawne tried to run, but his mangled limbs merely
crumpled under his weight. The Choadst Pirgayte snatched
him up in a bap, and, shivering his timbers, gobbled the
squealing Ship's Prawne long into the night.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.7304964
Posted: August 22, 2002 10:02 AM PDT; Last modified: August 22, 2002 2:06 PM PDT
Weighted score: 6.7304964
Overall Rank: 472
View voting details