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afraid

Member since 2004 · Posted 24 Jun 2004 · Edited 29 Jun 2004 · 16 comments

I feel afraid when all the abuse comes to my mind " He is whispering in my ear I have something on my body that is just like a lolliop The smell of Alchol is making me sick When I lick on his personal lolliop I taste a bitter Taste. It seems as it is happening now instead of the past " I am lying down on my bed as a theif in the night he enters my room." I am your cousin it is okay. 11 years old and knows that it is a lie. I try to push him off but he is much stronger then I am. A kiss on my lips stealing the little innocence I have lefted. " A little girl in a blue lacy dress. He is telling her that she is a cute thing. That is Why he touches her and kisses her. 5 years old and no where to turn she cries. He then gives her a doll to Play with" Now 23 years old and still afaid That he will repear again has a theif in the night

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16 comments

[6] Dovina 24-Jun-04/4:02 PM Reply

"now instead of in the past" This is a good start. The idea is there. It needs metaphor or clever prose or something tricky because that's what poetic readers want.

[10] zodiac 26-Jun-04/11:18 AM Reply

I feel afraid when I think of how in the last week poemranker has lost the last of its non-retarded qualities, becoming merely a retard-powered beard of a crumb-repository for all of the most disastrously illiterate and overwrought nonsense ever spoken - including, I'm afraid, my own.

*******

NB-This message is in code. To discover its true meaning, replace every instance of the word 'afraid' with 'bored and more than a little ashamed'. Thanks.

[0] nentwined › zodiac 26-Jun-04/1:00 PM Reply

Just the last week, eh? What would you say those were?

[10] zodiac › nentwined 26-Jun-04/9:45 PM Reply

A balancing presence of semi-literate non-homos.

[0] nentwined 26-Jun-04/1:03 PM Reply

While I'm sure this is a poem about yourself and all the abuse you have suffered, you're not doing a very good job of expressing it. For one, it's a very tired theme, and there's nothing new in your treatment. For two, it's pure showing-not-telling, and while there are exceptions to that rule as any other, this is not one of them. For three, there's very little flow to the piece.

[6] Dovina › nentwined 26-Jun-04/1:21 PM Reply

Funny, most critics say, "Show, don't tell." I like it your way better sometimes.

[0] nentwined › Dovina 26-Jun-04/2:25 PM Reply

sorry; I totally meant the opposite. woke up too early.

show not tell if done very explicity can be interesting. this is not it.

[7] Shuushin › nentwined 26-Jun-04/3:25 PM Reply

I guess I should read the comments before I comment -

"what he said"

[7] Shuushin 26-Jun-04/3:25 PM Reply

hi hbh, if that's your real name.

This does express the description of fear - but I'm always more comfortable with a poem that expresses fear itself.

How do you feel when you feel afraid? Describe some of that abuse - use some poetic devices, paint a picture.

Make me feel it without telling me what to feel?

Can you do that?

[2] Bachus › Shuushin 29-Jun-04/3:48 PM Reply

Are you ill? Or do I need to point out why a poem of this ilk should shave with a lawnmower.

[2] Bachus › Shuushin 29-Jun-04/3:49 PM Reply

It was obviously written by a blind lesbian eskimo

[8] MR Blobby 29-Jun-04/12:13 PM Reply

blobby blob

[2] Bachus 29-Jun-04/3:46 PM Reply

FOAM!!!

[10] zodiac 29-Jun-04/10:43 PM Reply

Are you related to Blindpoetry?

[n/a] fair12 30-Jun-04/11:54 AM Reply

I'm afraid I have to agree with the others - a tale with no expression... A shrink is an amazing use of money and really can help with your issues.

[n/a] richa 30-Jun-04/12:14 PM Reply

Afraid is a very weak impact word. You should try to avoid labelling emotions, use image to portray.

Also this could do with cutting down, make the reader think over the words rather than read through to get to the punch.

Spellcheck would not go amiss.