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afraid (Free verse) by hbhpoems I feel afraid
when all the abuse
comes to my mind
" He is whispering in my ear
I have something on my body that is just like a lolliop
The smell of Alchol is making me sick
When I lick on his personal lolliop I taste a bitter
Taste.
It seems as it is happening now instead of the past
" I am lying down on my bed as a theif in the night he enters my room."
I am your cousin it is okay. 11 years old and knows that it is a lie. I
try to push him off but he is much stronger then I am. A kiss on my
lips stealing the little innocence I have lefted.
" A little girl in a blue lacy dress.
He is telling her that she is a cute thing. That is
Why he touches her and kisses her. 5 years old and
no where to turn she cries. He then gives her a doll to
Play with"
Now 23 years old and still afaid
That he will repear again has a theif in the night
Up the ladder:
God's Angels
Down the ladder:
Hairy Quendo
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.3333333
Posted: June 24, 2004 2:24 PM PDT; Last modified: June 29, 2004 11:41 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.8013287 Overall Rank: 11160 Comments:
[6]
Dovina @ 17.255.240.138
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24-Jun-04/4:02 PM
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Reply
"now instead of in the past" This is a good start. The idea is there. It needs metaphor or clever prose or something tricky because that's what poetic readers want.
I feel afraid when I think of how in the last week poemranker has lost the last of its non-retarded qualities, becoming merely a retard-powered beard of a crumb-repository for all of the most disastrously illiterate and overwrought nonsense ever spoken - including, I'm afraid, my own.
******* NB-This message is in code. To discover its true meaning, replace every instance of the word 'afraid' with 'bored and more than a little ashamed'. Thanks.
Just the last week, eh? What would you say those were?
A balancing presence of semi-literate non-homos.
While I'm sure this is a poem about yourself and all the abuse you have suffered, you're not doing a very good job of expressing it. For one, it's a very tired theme, and there's nothing new in your treatment. For two, it's pure showing-not-telling, and while there are exceptions to that rule as any other, this is not one of them. For three, there's very little flow to the piece.
Funny, most critics say, "Show, don't tell." I like it your way better sometimes.
sorry; I totally meant the opposite. woke up too early.
show not tell if done very explicity can be interesting. this is not it.
I guess I should read the comments before I comment -
"what he said"
hi hbh, if that's your real name.
This does express the description of fear - but I'm always more comfortable with a poem that expresses fear itself. How do you feel when you feel afraid? Describe some of that abuse - use some poetic devices, paint a picture. Make me feel it without telling me what to feel? Can you do that?
Are you ill? Or do I need to point out why a poem of this ilk should shave with a lawnmower.
It was obviously written by a blind lesbian eskimo
blobby blob
FOAM!!!
Are you related to Blindpoetry?
I'm afraid I have to agree with the others - a tale with no expression... A shrink is an amazing use of money and really can help with your issues.
Afraid is a very weak impact word. You should try to avoid labelling emotions, use image to portray.
Also this could do with cutting down, make the reader think over the words rather than read through to get to the punch. Spellcheck would not go amiss. 167 view(s)
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