regarding some deleted poem...	25-Aug-02/10:10 PM
oops that's suppose to be sounding clever.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Aug-02/10:14 PM
And it's suppose to be edit this poem Down nicely, not done nicely. I can't type!!!
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Aug-02/10:18 PM
The poem sucks is sincere advice for someone your referring to a suicide hotline? If you're comparing to Gloria Steinem then thank you for the compliment.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Aug-02/10:24 PM
P & K i mis-read your comment. When I saw the word "suck" everything else you wrote seemed cynical. I had just read one of Annie's other poems and was afraid someone would do her harm. I see now that you were completely sincere and I'm very sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion. As for my previous comments you are absolutely right. I critized poems harshly and I won't do it again. Please accept my apology.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Aug-02/10:42 PM
Please stop calling me Ms. Gloria, thank you. Yes just like you I am concerned. I had a premanition (sorry I don't know how to spell it)last night that this very thing would happen, and i realized I was contributing to the foulness of it all. I didn't have a heart transplant, I just made a decission this morning to let it shine through just as you have for Annie. Thank you Annie for the oportunity to show how chartible we can be. Annie it only goes to prove that if you reach out, even to a stranger on a hotline, they will want to help. Your life is precious. Try to tell someone who's with you now. Or just show them all the poems you've written and all these desperate e-mails you've received. People do care.
Re: Same by <~>	25-Aug-02/11:05 PM
My dear flower, I know what you mean by mrs.g, I was referring to our friend mr. p&k. I just took off my poem Queen Anne's escape yesterday, and last night I wrote aa poem with -there's gangsters and henchmen taking over this town. So the rest of you keep quite and for God's sake keep down. Innocents and victims end up hospitalized, and everyone's accountable if any one dies... The title of this poem is "Unsuitable for sensitive viewers" I typed half of it in last night and decided to remove it because it sounded to much like an arrogant complaint. what do you think about that? zinnia p&k?
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Aug-02/11:17 PM
wait a second... there's somrthing fishy going on here. Annie, Annie, can you hear me? I know your logged-in? Is this a hoax? I want to take you seriously but this antenna's starting to pick-up some suspicious vibes. Please reply.
Re: Same by <~>	25-Aug-02/11:34 PM
Wow, this is a very mature piece of writing. It's almost perfect. There's just a couple of small tweaks that will make this a thing of beauty forever. 3rd stanza/line 3: darking it's reach should br changed to darkening the seas reach, or some other synonym for sea. the way the sentence is structure now, it is the Cool quiet night's reach darkening. Line 5 shush has got a great sound so I want you to keep it, but how does cold get shushed in and evening get swept out by the same agent? Last stanza 1st line: With irrational intent all conspire or Irrational intentions conspire or without rational intent (skip to next line) All conspire to soothe...
Re: Same by <~>	25-Aug-02/11:49 PM
Or this irrational conspiracy... or just plain, all conspire... or maybe not irrational at all. The thesaurus says: unreasonable, stupid, ridiculous. If your trying to convey the inability of these natural forces to have a common intent then I think you're going to have to go for another word.
Re: Same by <~>	26-Aug-02/12:09 AM
ugh! this is fun but so difficult in this format. O.K. S3 last line: out INTO the sky sounds better. And evening sweeps seperates the image from shushes in, so try; Evening sweeps out into the skies. S3 line4: Darkening it's reach really throughs me for a loop. I have no suggestions though. S4 line 3: Change amidst to amid. line 4: Salt drying on my cheeks. Infact the line in this stanza with the strongest impact for the last line is I breathe. So try: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- Salt drying on my cheeks- I breathe. I'm sorry I have to go this is so much of what I love! Will do it again soon but I promised my son a massage and I have work in the wee morn. So it's au revoir.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Aug-02/12:49 AM
There are just some really imaginative people on this site. Many of them have several user names and they also happen to be these genius/inventive/mischievious types so I was just checking. Did you read the other comments you recieved?
Re: Same by <~>	26-Aug-02/12:54 AM
I'm so obssesive compulsive about writing that I can't leave it alone til I'm satisfied. Last attempt I hope! Last Stanza: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- The salt dries on my cheeks- And I breath. By Jove I think that's got it.
Re: Yesterday I cried by 1Sapphire1	26-Aug-02/2:09 PM
I get an honest sense of what this experience is like, but again it's all about the editing. You've really created some beautiful images: The girl crying behind her sunglasses, hands of cowards, The dead making miracles, the living, not the dead as the ultimate sufferers. Say the same line over and over in different ways, for example, hands of cowards could be cowardly hands etc. Try to avoid the overuse of prepositions and small words which don't add to what you're discribing especially of, the, and, that. Example: presence of God might sound/look better as God's presence. Or the 1st line in the second stanza might work better as ....remain in the hearts you touched.... These are just tools writers use to hone down meaning. For the majority of successful writers it takes many revisions and I mean many, before they feel their poem is finished. I like your poem. I lost my father 7 yrs ago, I miss him more every year.
Re: father Worked Nights by poetandknowit	26-Aug-02/2:23 PM
Terrific. Sort of Carl Sandburg for the domestic violence set. Father lived in a factory is a perfect set up. I thought he was a workoholic, and then it turns out his home is an abuse factory. I love the twist of it. 10. Only change might be to replace 'the' from line 10 to 'my'.
Re: Work by poetandknowit	26-Aug-02/2:35 PM
The working class hero. My very favorite. I'm in love with the sound of it, and I think it's so easy to relate to. Lines 10 & 11 have some kind of grammatical confusion to them but I can't pin it down.Swayed easy with my touch... Sat nights laughing crazy in the dark..... 10
Re: father Worked Nights by poetandknowit	26-Aug-02/3:39 PM
don't change anything it's perfect.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Aug-02/9:54 AM
Sometimes the energy between lovers is very intense in a pseudo-violent way. No one's really getting hurt. Just sometimes the whole dominent/submissive thing gets played out. You are after all much larger and stronger then us. That alone is an erotic stimulis for women. You could snap our necks, easily, but instead you choose to make us feel good, and wanted. I don't want her to sound needy, so if you could isolate the lines giving her that character, please let me know.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Aug-02/9:57 AM
I deleted the 1st 4 poems because of my impatients with waiting to post new ones. They will be re-posted.
Re: Horseflies and Mayflies, Incessant Today by Christof	27-Aug-02/10:19 AM
You've got a natural classic style. I picture a stable-hand, fond of his master, who lost his spritual guidance and his job all in one blow. More of that erotic tension found in "the red shoes". The mare scarred him but he loves and misses her. Because she is strong and potentionally dangerous, but willing to please. There's a beauty beyond telling in that. To tame a gorgeous beast, be able to stand near it, and befriend it is thrilling. Lines 11 & 12 are my favorites, but I can't aticulate why. Ends well, with the insects accentuating his void.
Re: The Snowglobe by josh_5o	27-Aug-02/10:33 AM
The writing is too simplistic. The comparison between the snow globe/heart is good, but you need more discriptive words. Use less of these words: again, for, had, has, that,the,was. These words are to be avoided whenever possible. For example: line 6- Makes white flake snowmen- can replace the entire sentence. keep trying.