zodiac
on Endurance by Dovina
10 Jul 2005, 10:27 PM
Not good.
I don't get the connection between "world spinning" (positive) and "uniformity" (negative). Just a nitpick. You probably meant "spinning" like 'dizzy and disoriented'. That's fine, it's just not the first meaning I got.
Q: Does it take more work to keep an already-spinning world spinning or to stop it? Please include any relevant charts and diagrams in your answer.
PS-Ace rhyme. Really.
meh.
who know? you should.
I would change the first two lines a little.
I'd write something like
"I'd tell you to slice open my body
and tear out my heart,
but you already have."
I think this is excellent
I see.
Not so private raelly. Paper birds are made by folding paper. They don't really sing or smile but they could have words written on them in a singing or smiling voice, perhaps a wrong sentence, an intended song that instead scratched his neck, who knows?
I'm in the dark. It seems a very private thing to me, with strange imagery.
It's better now, clearer. Still, the timing of your posting and the tube, river, therain and all implies the London bombings. Then why is it called Lover? And why is it bad luck that he was not on the train that was bombed? Maybe he avoided the train disaster only to get on the bus to be blown up. It's not clear.
Iâve made some changes. I think itâs a bit more clear now. Iâm still not satisfied though.
The part about the bus is important to me. Thereâs got to be some element of choice in the whole thing.
how petty do you want to be,who cares if the letters are big or small ,you're probably the only one who has noticed,you nasty,nitpicking little shit.
Not when you say what you don't mean and write everything in big letters as if it's more important that way. Mum has to be a name for your mother, and after rambling repeatatively, using three times as many words as needed, about how you miss her, then in the last line you say about your mother, "He's taken from my life. Geeeeees!
"ambling"? I almost said, âsomeoneâs ambling.â But that makes it sound too much like belief in God. The idea is to show a person who is almost persuaded to believe in God. And in a way, Gen. Patton calmly surveying the battlefield is a good image for God â calm, in control, confident. Thanks for the comment.
If you make a vague poem people will get different meanings from it. I like that I can give this my own meaning. I like the switch from possitivity to negetivity at the end. But "ambling"? Although with alot of thought I see how you might be going for the Gen. Patton type image calmly surveying the battlefield. I think it just tends to come across as a fancy word for walking for most. Try some other words. The second verse just needs a little tweeking. It's pretty good Though.
I could give my opinion but the only opinion that matters about this poem is your MUM's. And if somewhere out there she say's it's GREAT then who the hell am I to argue.
I see now. Good point. Thanks D.
I did not call that person a sadistic fuck. I only said if you weren't affected somehow emotionally by what happen in Rwanda then you are probably a sadistic fuck. In reply to this comment. "And if it did not affect you, eleven years ago, this poem certainly will not change that." I'm sure DP wasn't implying that Rwanda didn't effect him/her but the comment just plain sounded ridiculous. I'm not pissed about anything. Some liked it some didn't. So what. I was only explaining to you the reasons I wrote this poem the way that I did. If I posted the the suggestion mentioned "Rwanda" It would be a perfect poem for you because every thought that followed it would be yours. But I didn't write it for you so it consists of more words. Most of which you apparently don't appreciate. And that's OK with me.
Resentment was the fuel behind this poem not sadness. The point of all poetry or in that case all art forms is to make an unforgetable impression on people. Few succeed in doing this but it is still the goal. This poem certainly has flaws. It's rythm overpowers the words in some places for instance. It was meant to be a little like a stumbling march and I can see how that can make it sound less emotional. I'm sure you write both good and bad poems for yourself. Do you strive to write the bad ones? Then why imply that I do. You think the poem's bad. I think it has some merit. I concede it has it's flaws. Niether one of us is right. We only have opinions. Others have and will read the poem and think it's great. Let's not assume that they are either morons or geniuses but that they too have a valid opinion. If this poem is so bland and meaningless to you then for god sakes man let it go. Forget about it. Walk away. I sincerely appologize for wasting any of your time and I pray that any more of my posts don't cause you anymore unneeded suffering. I think your a good poet and very insightful but sometimes people just disagree.
it dosn't take much to lose you ,does it.