zodiac
replying on When Did You Walk Away? by TLRufener
17 Nov 2005, 5:32 AM
Oh. Okay. Well it was just a suggestion.
Maybe so. And I'm sorry if that's the case. But I dare you to hit the "Random" link above, read til you're blind, and see if you don't come to the same conclusion.
I hope we are. I'll try not to leave anymore comments on your poems if you promise to be a little more patient with us "teenagers" (by the way I'm 32). OK? Deal?
In short: I am saving my energy by leaving feedback like this.
I've never thought anyone referencing Billy Corgan was trying to be intelligent, much less that he was intelligent.
The point, I'm genuinely sorry to say, was almost entirely my own amusement, but you should have gotten a picture of going a little too far in the direction of ambiguity, goth, and grammarlessness.
Interesting for a poem to go as deep into cybernetics as Lisp programming. The arguement is well put, however the flow has been sacrificed for this (in comparison to your previous work). Also I find that the computing terms you use are not particularly colorful (being computing terms) especially in comparison to some of the more heart ridden moments; putting across a better argument; but a less welcoming poem.
I've come off badly here. Let me start again:
I find this poem neither very evocative nor very original. Nor particularly meaningful. Considering that it seems written to be strong visually or evocatively (and not necessarily meaningful) I'll stick with that. Eminations, vortices, tunnels and such are so often repeated these days that they're practically meaningless to me. Besides, not having actually traveled through a vortex to a tunnel's vertex or however it goes, I've got nothing to connect this with my experience. Phrases like a "haze of brightness" pull their punches, going for a standard or vague formulation rather than working to evoke an actual image or impression. Vortex and ripples are repeated in the poem's second half to even less effect, and I wonder why. I liked the inked index finger, the theatre trolley, and the last line, but I found those parts overwhelmed by parts saying things I've heard a million times before and better. I especially don't like "mana from the sky", which, in addition to jarring with the poem's other imagery, is misspelled.
Regarding spelling and punctuation: There's simply no point in ignoring or going slack on basic rules of English. Even the best poem needs all the help it can get, and it hurts your poem's standing in EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S EYES, POETRY SNOB OR NOT, to come across bad spelling and grammar. There's no basis for using punctuation ONLY for pauses, even in 17th and 18th c. poetry, which is what you're thinking of. That's not semantic, anyway. There's no such thing as continuous verse. You've made that term up. Don't require your reader to do more work and expect him to like it. Seriously. Authorly tidbits like "take it for what it is" very rarely go over, even when they come from real authors. Incidentally, there are things here that should cause someone difficulty reading - at least inasmuch as your reader has to see "mana" and think "okay, he means manna".
Regarding the rest of your comment: I'm not teenage. I feel most of this came across in my first, admittedly cynical message. I highly doubt you'll welcome this feedback, or even read it this far. Do not suggest I lack imagination or ability as far as reading your poem goes. Thanks. Have a nice day.
The short lived but sweet taste of revenge, well put.
Now I've just got to see that movie again.
Yes.
Um Dovina if you're reading this don't be mad. He's comparing you to a beautiful woman with huge lovely natural breasts. I could not describe a perfect woman better.
Much as we have been arguing on my work, I thought it reasonable to have a look at some of yours and put a few damming comments down there; however, I am pleasantly surprised by the flow and imagery, each word is simple, yet their combination is elegant and shows shapely structure. Underated, with a message delivered well in the last two lines.
Just hit the red x to delete it. Stop burning bridges. Sometimes people just need to get a feel for what you're trying to do in your poem. As an artist I under stand how frustrating it is when people don't get what you're trying to do. So they just tell you the truth about what they got from the poem. Be patient you're new, they'll catch on.
A1: No, I just meant, oh like it's a big accomplishment showing that I assumed something. Big rip.
DOVINA: Exactly. Big rip.
ZODIAC: So why have you spent the last ten comments trying to "prove" it?
DOVINA: That's just what I always do.
ZODIAC: Exactly. And I appreciate how you stopped being a very realistic version of yourself about three imaginary comments ago.
DOVINA: Why thank you. Did I mention you're looking good today?
ZODIAC: You have now.
A2: Could God be anything less than totally cool? No. By definition.
I totally understand what you mean D. This comment of yours was a total waste of time.
Please say, were at the end, before you leave any more of that dreadful story on my pages.
All right, All right, I submit. This argument was vastly more interesting and preferable to this commentry, and people who leave comments such as "nice write".
To AlChemy: See?