Re: a comment on Untouchable by rahson_s	rahson_s 24.90.125.117	30-Jan-06/5:42 PM
thanks, but this is not at all my disposition..
Re: yo yo yo, ride by FreeFormFixation	Dovina 69.175.32.104	30-Jan-06/5:08 PM
This would be a 10 if it made less sense. Some good lines, but they're mixed with ramparts of regret and other concludable free form fixations.
Re: necrobos by baphomet	Dovina 69.175.32.104	30-Jan-06/5:02 PM
I must be crazy to say this conveys anything, but except for her being "teen to b" it does.
Re: Time, Indeterminate by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	30-Jan-06/4:57 PM
She hasn't much to send him, or much to buy it with, and when the baby comes, she'll have less. Still, her poems he passes 'round, and keeps the whale's picture she found the money to sponser. "What a woman!" I hear him say.
Re: let me know by skaskowski	Dovina 69.175.32.104	30-Jan-06/4:42 PM
May I rent one of the forgotten rooms in your delightful-sounding house? It must be a fine place to thrash through the sewers looking for all the lost keys I've swallowed.
Re: a comment on Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	thepinkbunnyofdoom 66.213.67.10	30-Jan-06/2:15 PM
You hit it on the head(No pun intended). As for the month for blowjob poems, thats more next month. ;-) <3 Jason
Re: more of the same by calliope	Dovina 69.175.32.104	30-Jan-06/12:43 PM
And, speaking for the forum, we do forgive - forgive "a myriad" when myriad would do, forgive that you mean "myriad words." But I lit this, the thought of it.
Re: Glitterati by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/12:27 PM
Something akin to Torch Song Trilogy me think. Nice meloncholy.
Re: Time, Indeterminate by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/12:18 PM
At first I thought he was in a submarine. The whale and the name Zeppelin('cause they're shaped like a sub) is what led me to go there. But by the end I was pretty sure he was in prison. It really expresses well the loneliness of emprisonment from both points of view. Good job.
Re: a comment on Glitterati by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	30-Jan-06/12:07 PM
What happened to the other comments?
Re: a comment on Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/11:57 AM
Good call. At first I thought it was a bong thing but I think you aced this one.
Re: a comment on Time, Indeterminate by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	30-Jan-06/10:23 AM
Someone "gave" me a whale named Zeppelin for Christmas, and it worked its way in here. I think I just liked the concept of something floating free, another level of freedom embodied by the whale. Or maybe it was because my certificate of whale sponsorship was right before my eyes on my cork board while I was writing this. Thanks for the comment. No plans to write a sequel, but you never know.
Re: Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	ecargo 167.219.88.140	30-Jan-06/10:20 AM
Okay--think I get it. Do the swimmers think they're swimming someplace else; is that it? Lake of fire = stomach acids (as opposed to more welcoming ground)? Must be the month for blowjob poems, huh? ;-D
Re: necrobos by baphomet	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/10:14 AM
What is with all these Humbert Humberts coming here?
Re: yo yo yo, ride by FreeFormFixation	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/10:08 AM
This would be a ten if it made a little more sense.
Re: a comment on midnight feast by pollywolly	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/10:02 AM
See now I'm thinking this poem is sexual but then again I always think like that:) I would tell the whole story the way you want to tell it. I think with a start like this, if you surprised us with a plot twist or mood shift like where it sounds like you're going then that would be awesome. Sometimes we start poems and just get tired or run out of ideas or lose interest in what we're writing so we just wrap it up and move on. I say hang on to those poems. usually the perfect finish will come to you eventually.
Re: a comment on midnight feast by pollywolly	pollywolly 82.41.136.155	30-Jan-06/9:42 AM
thats what i mean about not wanting to spoil the story if there is one lol cos what i was writing wasnt a horror or scary story but thats how it is being read. even on reading it myself now away from what i was remebering when i wrote it i can see it could be portrayed that way. so do you suggest if i was to expand it i should stray from fact and delve into fiction? tks for your comments very helpful tks
Re: a comment on midnight feast by pollywolly	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Jan-06/9:28 AM
I know what you're getting at. It's a horror technique designed to make the audience keep thinking about the movie after they go home and maybe hopefully have nightmares about it. But there's not a whole lot of stuff for your audience to take home yet. You still need more story. Right now what we've got is just a scary scene from the story.
Re: A Loud Room by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Jan-06/9:24 AM
Nothing to say that god'swife hasn't already, a well-written piece!
Re: Time, Indeterminate by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Jan-06/9:19 AM
Strange, I could have sworn that I'd commented on this earlier...ahh, the curse of selective memory returns! I like this, although I got the impression (from the last stanza and a half) that there's a tragedy round the corner...which turned it from a pleasent tribute to enduring feelings to having a much darker feel at the end - are you intending on following this up with a sequel? The only line that lost me was "named Zeppelin, in his name;" - is there something going straight over my head here? Either way, very nicely done.