Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	Dovina 12.72.34.147	14-Apr-06/10:46 AM
I have not been clear. Fantasy is all right. It's just that in this poem, Alchemy had explained it, (see the comments) then he revised it. Now it looks more like fantasy than it did originally. Nothing wrong with that.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	Dovina 12.72.34.147	14-Apr-06/10:40 AM
That little red "x" is deceptive. I have made the same mistake. I suggest that you post a suggetion on the Suggestion board, pleading with Kaolin to give us a "Do you really want to delete this comment and all the comments under it?" so that if we hit the x accidently, we are not totally fuddered. As for your poem, yes, its ok to write fantasy. and you've done it quite nicely here.
Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Dovina 12.72.34.147	14-Apr-06/10:32 AM
I like #3 because of its double meaning. 10 on #3.
Re: a comment on Maybe I Wasn’t Born on a Fool’s Day by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.34.147	14-Apr-06/10:29 AM
I'm too old for it to be prophecy. Invented story? - maybe. Karma - hardly.
Re: Maybe I Wasn’t Born on a Fool’s Day by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/10:22 AM
self fulfilling prophecy or invented story as the subject of this work? i guess karma at any rate.
Re: 7 Days of Suicide by dragonfly	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/9:20 AM
i think to make this more powerful, you could go all the way through six days. leaving the seventh out would allude to success, maybe. especially with the title talking about 7 days, stopping after only three is selling the idea way short, less than halfway. besides, i want to see what other ideas you come up with... besides bjork's "hyperballad" (a favorite of mine, BTW), there is peter greenaway's film "Drowning by Numbers" which would be a great resource to consider if you want to continue this poem. besides, michael nyman;s music is fantastic to listen to when being creative, like writing and painting, etc. here's the imdb link to the film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092929/ i really would like to see more work on this; i hope i do get the chance before i die. ;P
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Apr-06/9:19 AM
I've always said that fantasy is the most honest form of writing because at least the reader knows your bullshitting them right from the start.
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Apr-06/9:13 AM
Thank you Imp, your critique raised alot of good questions. The first line is me addressing her, much like I did with you in the first sentence above. It's one continuous thought like if someone got your attention by saying "Hey Imp". I actually thought about using "tumultous" but it has one too many syllables. It actually stretches the line too far although my intent was to keep the meter of the rhyme a little off to accentuate the tumultuousness of the poem. I actually prefer the rhythm with "by" left in and it sounds more like a declaration that way. I'm not sure about a comma before Sunshine. My grammar check program doesn't seem to have a problem with no comma before Sunshine and it seems to have a problem with the comma. I usually like to end my poems off meter. It tends to give that extra sense of closure to it. You're absolutely right about "the Fates". This is just my reasoning for why I wrote it the way I did. You might be right on all counts. I'll certainly consider what you've said for a while.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/9:01 AM
reworked the second verse, though it seems a bit rough yet. awaiting your review.
Re: a comment on The world's shortest poem by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/8:45 AM
i like it.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/8:32 AM
i know. sets a melancholic mood, too. gazing at the moon while lying on a barrow. how wistful and romantic, eh? :D
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/8:30 AM
Dovina, i am sensing a theme her in your comments (with reference to yours on my latest): why does a poem need to reflect what actually does happen? can no fantasy or bending of truth to fit an image exist? i do not know you so i cannot say, but i find that it is limiting to work within those sorts of confines. maybe it offends your sensibilities, but this is art, and art is expression of a person's throughts, feelings, observations. if they choose to - or cannot - express themselves with ideas that are factually and scientifically true, does it invalidate their expression? i think not. i find the creative points of view to be enlightening and even more revealing to the true meaning of what is said. but that's me and you are you, so i'm just spouting off at the keyboard, i guess. just an observation...
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/8:22 AM
ok at the risk of being nitpicky: 1st line: maybe a comma after "Oh", as in "Oh, morning girl..." you may want to set off this line from the rest of the following 5 lines as it is a complete sentence of its own at the very opening. or not. 3rd line: i would choose "tumultous" instead or turbulent. i realize that you are perhaps making weather references and turbulence fits, but tumultuous i think has a better ring to it. and maybe they are not a single fight, but many: "...engagged in such tumultuous fights" 4th line: lose "by". a little smoother rhythm. and maybe "day AND night". 6th line. "fates" [plural] - to me - needs to be "the Fates". or, you could say "fate befalls." i think "squall" (singular) will still rhyme enough with "befalls". 7th line: comma before "Sunshine". 10th line: needs another syllable? "the pain" or "your pain" would do it. this is another very lovely and touching poem; i like its bittersweet quality. very nicely done. i also realize that my comments are not everyone's taste, so "take what ya want and leave the rest", as it is said in some circles.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Apr-06/8:20 AM
Wow, you already changed it just as I was replying. Good Job. This really adds extra meaning. Barrow means that someone is burried beneath where you're lying down and it really harks to long ago.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Apr-06/8:13 AM
Call it a "ryegrass knoll" and you keep your sense of "long ago" without sounding like you're about to shoot the president. Besides, saying something like "ryegrass" is more specific and adds detail to the over all picture that just saying "grassy" doesn't but using any specific type of grass would work.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/7:41 AM
let's try that last line again: this poem is an expression and not meant to be sold as truth. darned floating "e" cut its way in line from the "meant" to the "poem" in the post above.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/7:23 AM
Dovina - why does a poem need to be more than a simple flight of fancy? is it not a poem if it does not conform to the generally accepted "truth" of the day it was written? i hereby claim poetic license! :D i guess it is akin to seeing a colorfully marked animal, vegetable, or mineral and saying how beautifully "painted" it is. as if there are little gnomes running around with brushes and actually painting the world we live in. this peoem is an expression and not mant to be sold as truth. thanks for your comments; they are always welcome.
Re: a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/7:08 AM
oops... looke like i clicked the little "X" instead of the "reply" ro Dovina's comment. here it is: Comments: Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/6:53 PM As good as any creation myth, except that it goes against knowledge. Myths generally do not contradict sound understanding at the time of their writing. That's why this on falls a bit flat. Still it's nicely written. Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/10:34 PM It's a fable, not a myth. Reply X Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/10:38 PM Little difference. A fable is intended as untruth, where a myth is usually said to be true. Okay - fable. Picky, picky! Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/11:29 PM It could have been a myth once. Yeah I know I'm picking on you but it's a freindly picking rest assured. :D
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/6:56 AM
why must a poem be more than just a flight of fancy? must it comply with the "sound understanding" of the time of it's writing in order for it to be valid? it is likened to looking at a colorful bird of butterfly and remarking on how it is "painted". i claim poetic license, damnit! :D thanks for the comment.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/6:51 AM
this is in fact based upon one of a series of stories i invented for and tell my 2 1/2 year old daughter. and yes, it should be HER arm... knolls - to me - always instill a sense of "long ago" or a small hill that has been around for a very very long time. i don't think JFK's assassination should own the phrase for eternity, either. the word "mounds" always reminds me of dark chocolate over coconut, dirt, or baseball. ;P i do agree with the comment about "looked" vs. "seemed". at first, i like the ambiguity - "looked about.... to cry" or "looked as if to cry". your note about causing the thought pattern to stumble is a good one; i will take it into advisement. feel free to share this with your neice; in fact, i would be honored if you did. i hope she is doing better than your latest writing alluded to...