Re: a comment on Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Dovina 75.82.86.162	13-Mar-07/2:01 PM
No, you may not.
Re: a comment on Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/2:01 PM
I preferred the first version, to tell the truth. It was simple and quite sweet whereas now it ends in a rather gloomy fashion.
Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:59 PM
May I make another suggestion? Keep the internal rhymes going throughout, they work well in the first stanza. And be prepared for people to read 'My hands brave the Winter's groin'.
Re: a comment on Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Nepanthe 74.99.232.77	13-Mar-07/1:57 PM
Do you think this revision is alright, or should I change it back? and say 'mitts of her own'.
Re: snacktime by jesslew	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:48 PM
Cute, richa's right about the last line though. Pick something less bland to say.
Re: a comment on Pedaling West by Dovina	Dovina 75.82.86.162	13-Mar-07/1:47 PM
Good suggestion. The mindset of cycling is, well, cyclic; the poem should be so too.
Re: a comment on Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:46 PM
Actually, I don't quite know what I was talking about. You can solve it just by saying 'mitts of her own'.
Re: a comment on Pedaling West by Dovina	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:44 PM
Even so, if you're cycling then you're going to be using a repetitive motion - the pedalling - and I really think the poem would be more effective if you brought that through. The metric structure should do the same job as the chain and gears of your bike - it doesn't have that impact on me at present. 120 days? That's insane, I hope you're getting paid for it (or at the least, getting free chiropodist service afterwards.) Bet you don't see a kingfisher.
Re: a comment on Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Nepanthe 74.99.232.77	13-Mar-07/1:35 PM
Heh, yeah I see it. I felt the second paragraph was weak. I should work on it, a punch to the colon's far too violent for a pair of soft fluffy mitts. Thanks : )
Re: a comment on Quantum Reality by Quarton	Quarton 12.206.226.220	13-Mar-07/1:35 PM
Thank you, Ranger. I believe there should be more written on the subject of quantum mechanics but it is inherently difficult to write about. Einstein said imagination is more important than intellect so that should open up poetic possibilities beyond my often feeble attempts.
Re: a comment on Pedaling West by Dovina	Dovina 75.82.86.162	13-Mar-07/1:35 PM
The trouble is that it's not fanciful. This trip begins on May2 and goes pedaling along, rather un-cutely for 120 days if I survive. I've blitzed along the towpath of the Erie Canal in New York, but this is much longer, slower, more mountainous, and demanding of a firm mindset. I wish it were not.
Re: a comment on Pedaling West by Dovina	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:29 PM
It feels like you're trying for something light and kind of cutesy - I think it needs the meter to skip quickly rather than just trundle along. That's the fun of cycling; blitzing it along a canal towpath chasing kingfishers, not just moseying from one pub to the next.
Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Dovina 75.82.86.162	13-Mar-07/1:26 PM
Ranger is right - the last line inversion sucks. The internal rhymes of Verse 1 are nice.
Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:22 PM
'My mitts are hermits' is great, if only it wasn't for the final line...this would be ace. Word inversion works sometimes but when the rest of the poeme is in a straightforward structure it's like a punch in the colon.
Re: a comment on Pedaling West by Dovina	Dovina 75.82.86.162	13-Mar-07/1:22 PM
You're not staggered? Okay, neither am I. It's a proposal then, a document to abide by, a declaration to be slammed with if I reneg. I'll work on it.
Re: Pedaling West by Dovina	Quarton 12.206.226.220	13-Mar-07/1:22 PM
Good poem. It has a nice flow and the "ride" is one of life itself expressed through riding your bike. I really do like this and the message it contains.
Re: Pedaling West by Dovina	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:19 PM
This is more like a diary entry in verses. I don't think there's anything wrong with that per se, but it needs to be delivered in either an interesting or easyflowing manner - I hate to say this but rhymes would do the trick here. It feels like you've gone for straight iambic meter but I think it needs more than that. Either that or some truly staggering imagery throughout.
Re: The Landscape by Sasha	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:13 PM
I assume the translation is as good as it reads. The poeme's 50-50 on the ace/turd spectrum though.
Re: a comment on Within by drnick	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:12 PM
Ranger is still here, lurking a la ecargo. I never got that email - hotmail's been a bit temperamental recently though :-(
Re: Within by drnick	Ranger 81.103.124.179	13-Mar-07/1:10 PM
This is brilliant, just brilliant