Shuushin
on some deleted poem
12 Jan 2005, 6:11 AM
Could probably do without stating the obvious last line.
Actually.
Probably the whole last third. A good idea, if overwrought.
Nice :)
this is great... 10
Really like the first bit with the hand/understand, corn/dawn; and the charred angels. It needs more of those more subtle rhymes like corn/dawn.
Subjects like loss or rejection, in particular, can sound trite pretty quickly when hard and exact rhymes are used.
then
I'm put off a bit by the multiple use of the cloud/shroud partnering, and the loss metaphors are laid on fairly thick.
Give me one or two nicely worked and fresh images rather than five or six overcooked ones.
anyway, still shows promise and I can easily see why you want to keep working on it.
Awesome!!!
I know this is just a poem, and no more than that.
When we were growing up, you always told us not to give up no matter what.
For the poem dad I give you a -10-,but if you have really given up I give you; which I believe is a lie.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000
nice
It was about a baby. Not a nice presence though. Perhaps an unwanted child. Sometimes babies can feel like a growth with an inevitable, unstoppable birth and impact on your life. (No I don't have children and yes I intend too ;-).
If you've ever touched peyote in your life, I'm a tumbling clod.
Incidentally, 'tumbling clods' is my new term for everything on poemranker.
wow too long, I wouldn't want to read it all so here's a 4
May God bless you on that special day.
Very nice
why am I giving you a ten? oh, well. Haha jk beautiful work blancochico
simple but beautiful
damnit I thought the poeam was long, the comments is even longer
don't jump
Let's hope they give rise to more, that these fertilize, and that the time to rest is far away.
It flows nicely and contains some awsome images, but altogether, it lacks motive and is too broad. It fails to pinpoint any real life issue.
A good flow and a good point.
-10- The 'preverts' in line 13 is sheer genius. The only improvement I would add might be to change the last word from ball to balls.