i hope you like this poem, but please critize and be blunt if you feel it is nessessary. thanks

>>Oh and when you kiss my lips, my heart skips beats and does flips.<< 'Oh' as in 'oh, by the way'? Delete 'and' The second line reads bad. Delete 'does'. The horrible thing is that this physical phenomenon is exactly what occurs, when you're in luvv. Except when you're over 21, you'll think you're heading for a coronary. The more horrible thing is that this has been written a zillion times over, mostly by lovesick 14 year old girls...I don't blame you your age and state of luvv but it's so boring, this way. >>As long as my arms are RAPPED around you, I’ll never be sad or blue.<< Your poor sweetheart must be; black&blue...

Another poem (written like a kitchenblender's manual) with shades of sadism, or rather auto-mutilatism. Why do people in luv feel the need to ram their heads through stone walls or want to fall on top of an upturned billiard cue or want to smother a kiss with a fist? This is about lovepain, yes, but I read too many lovepoems that lack sensitivity. The problem here is probably it's bloody seriousness.

>>oddly<< Badly chosen. For some reasons I don't feel the fear of the moment. Because the moment lacks a sense of wonder, perhaps.

I wish the first verse carried the meter of the rest.

First verse is good. But then it gets wordy and convoluted in places. "I watch you and wonder to myself" for example - is there any way to wonder besides to yourself? And what is this "darkness engulfing me"? Still, the poem has potential.

Line 12---I know this is picking nits, but you asked. I started reading it aloud. It has very nice rhythm, but I stumbled at thinking about 'hateful shoes', wondering if shoes could hate and how the hate in the shoes affected the critter--- 'hated shoes' or some variation flows better for me... WHOLE THIRD STANZA---DELETE 4th stanza--- 'he’s capable to steer'--- he capably steers 5th stanza grates a bit, it is basically good, but is lacking something... I can't tell what. The last stanza ties everything together great! You Asked For It. You Got It. rockmage

I didn't like the sexual content

"Where were the color ordinary" -- hard to say out loud.

Also, the French Style refers to nailS, and in the 2nd stanza, last line, you suddenly switch to singular...

I like this. At first I wished you had changed the format so that I could see the rhyme...but nah.. I just like it. almost makes me think of a hard core Dr. Suess book in meter.

1) Don't assume we criticize because we can't cope. The truth is we all cope better than you, and the middle-school English teacher who told you people criticize because they can't cope couldn't cope. 2) re: "Do you feel better when you take away hope? " Do you feel better being hopeless? A: Only if you can somehow stop every single person on the planet from pointing out how hopeless you are. Which I imagine involves stopping time itself. 3) Writing for onesself is fantastic. I, for one, would never criticize someone for writing all kinds of smarm for their own private purposes. You, however, are doing something extra. Can you tell what? (Hint: it involves the internet and a site called poemRANKER.) 4) Because you obviously want real criticism, here: Don't rhyme knife and life ever ever again. 5) Punctuate consistently. If you can't figure out how, write your whole poem out like it's prose, like a story, and see where you've forgotten periods, commas, and other such. (Hint: Check the ends of lines!) 6) Of course we know what you're going through. We were there. About 100 years ago. People gave us all hell then, too, just like we're doing for you. Those of us who didn't cut it are over at autobodymechanicranker.com. Check them out. 7) re: "the way that they write is not up to you." Oh. I thought you were posting here to get our opinions. Oh, I see: not that kind of opinion. Is this one better. This is the best poem I've ever read and you're obviously a beautiful, gentle soul I had exactly the same experience once. 8) You're thinking of going to my poem list and zeroing the first title you see there. Please, by all means, do. Join the Dark Side. -10-

I wouldn't have believed it, but reading a poem about being too tired to write well is about as exciting as watching a person too tired to move piss his pants on my couch.

Spelling and grammar: eel, capable enough to steer (or capable of steering), phallus, bowlegs.

i love the ending 10

I don't know. I like the word 'darkvoiced'

graphic

It's not your fault if I don't get it.

I don't know why "licked the iron mantlepiece" works for me...

Keep "he's capable to steer" - I like how it sounds - like the drunk leading the drunk. "which means? that you’re late sell your boat salty dog you are fish bait" - - Perfect.