zodiac
on Passion by gothiclovepoetiss
26 Jun 2005, 3:06 AM
Q: If you only felt like this because you'd heard love described in exactly the same terms God knows how many times, rather than - I don't know - somehow just spontaneously having this feeling, would you know? In other words, do your knees really, REALLY buckle? Please answer honestly.
It seems like you forgot what this poem was about, like, five times.
Suggestion: Turn every question in this poem into a statement. Like we'd know, anyway, you're the freakin poet.
re "the gray wind of used to be".
In three poems, you've done this three times. Don't. It's not done, unless you live in the nineteenth century.
Change "jolting fatigue", "long- limbed pulley", and give the ending some punch. Very good, though. Have you been watching Dancing with the Stars?
Why did you say "slabs" so much, I wonder? Just because it's a kind of funny English word, I answer.
Not bad. But the best poemranker lay in the olden style is still this one:
THE LAY OF KING BUMBLEMEAT
Whither the meatly hats of yesterlunch?
Whither the sausage helmets, the hammy porkpies, the berets
Shimm'ring in sunlight, so meatly,
All smelling sweetly
Of honey and jelly-glaze?
Whither King Bumfirst's hamhock, that bunched
So gloriously on his ears as he rode that day
Swinging his wet truncheon:
To luncheon! To luncheon!
So awfully, so embarassingly gay?
Alas! No more the meat! Alas! No more those hats!
The ham-fedoras flapping their silly brims among the leaves
Of Bumwood! Lost completely
Are those bright helms, so meatly,
Collapsed with somewhat sickly splats
On the tops of our Wellingtons (Beeves).
You seem to be having a problem.
>>softer than a night in Wales on the Irish Sea.<<
...Where?
Unless some subtle joke escapes me?
There are nice moments, like line 3 and 4 and 8. But this really calls for good metrics, line 6 jars in that respect. And I don't like the frequent grindings to a halt.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
25 Jun 2005, 12:50 PM
Twice 'Autumn' and twice 'ghosts', hm. What's a synonym for 'Autumn'? The late season?
'Ghosts' could be alternated with 'spirits'.
Seems this site is still hollow rude and talentless!
If you wallow in trivial shit - you'll always put fourth
trivial shit.
GROW UP!
"ears peaking through hair
softer than a night in Wales on the Irish Sea."
The good stuff of love poems. If only the rest matched it.
ghaaahhhhch!
This is much more story than poem.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
26 Jun 2005, 6:05 AM
I should delete the last question mark.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
26 Jun 2005, 6:09 AM
Leave out >>for the insane<< in line 5. 'White padded room' tells enough.
The first 14 lines sound like my 10 year old,
spewing fourth awkward taunts -
the rest is great.
Nice to see you again. As always, something evocative and true. Thank you.
As for the content, I read 'i see what seems to me a pattern' as ' i see me as a little speck'. Translation: we see ourselves moving through something incomprehensibly bigger. I think the sense still holds true with that reading.
Reads like a description of a computergame. But the era's all wrong.