Bhaskaryya
on Szaehling by MacFrantic
9 Nov 2005, 8:41 PM
you a computer nerd? Anyway, this was good!
May I know why you came and voted a zero to all my poems?
Anyway, this wasn't bad!
A great poem with some excellent metaphors. However, I hope you wouldn't mind me calling this a loose adaptation of the traditional ghazal. Ghazals are a passion with me and the traditional form comes along various rules and restrictions including rhymes and refrains.
This might help you a bit: http://allpoetry.com/Column/784848
Indulgent. The opening line works but I'm left thinking if their is more beyond the surface to this or if its my overactive mind.
Last stanza drop stirs up the leaves (you dont need THE)
Otherwise quite solid.
We're all whores at some point in our lives.
Poets are the worst kind, we like to parade our words hoping others buy what we say.
What I wanna say is, for whatever reasons, NY is a good place to live if you want everything, and I mean everything, close at hand. And you don't even need a car to access any of it. I dunno why.
To pursue such a woman throughout life seems unimaginagle to me. The first verse works well. In the second, 'rain' seems a poor metaphor for a seasoned mate, and with your explanation, 'rain' seems inadequate a parallel for a thwarted love. The last verse, where leaves are memories, works well.
First stanza is great. although the "..." may be over doing it a little. The other 2 stanzas aren't quite as good.
What a pathetic prophecy. I'd never see these things coming.
Try something like: Dovina and Zodiac marry after she runs over his Jetta with her truck and they see each other for the first time. On their wedding night they engage in the rare cannibalerotica in which they devour each other from the toes up until there is nothing left but their heads left. The remaining few seconds of their lives are subsequently spent bickering with each other.
Now that's a fuckin' prophecy
Your not a part of the media are you?
This is exactly what they are saying.
"DEATH DEATH DEATH will STRIKE STRIKE STRIKE us"
"Bow to whom you worship, like grass to the sickle" - good. But most of this eludes me.
"Your lips are TOO* tight"
Anyway this has a lyrical feel to it and could work if put to some music. Needs a bit tweaking here and there I believe.
Was this meant for a reciatel on BBC lol? Don't worry soon we are going to blame the air/water/plants,(....fill up the blank.....) everything for our pathetic plights and you'd have a lot more to write on.
Are you suggesting it's as unreasoning to blame God and Bush for virus and unpreparedness as it is to blame Donald Duck? Or merely that people are prone to blame everything, the right along with the wrong? Either way, it's dangerous talk on your part.
Not as good as the last one.
I like warbly. The rest can go.
Congratulations on ABAB rhyming. You're one of, like, 5 poemranker users who can do that now.