poetandknowit
on some deleted poem
30 Oct 2003, 7:31 PM
Don't you read the New York Times? God is dead!
Suicide is no option. Think before you stink.
I feel so, so, sorry.
No, no, Levon- he's on his knees! He sucks!
sophisto-queer-isma!
If this was on one of those inspirational posters I'd hang it up
gay lonely twisted wizard/ figured it out eh?
its been a strange day J, many times I've had deep dreams of you and last nite was sure one more, we rode around throu green fleshy hills with endless tree smothered forests looking for scores among SUVs parked in dirt covered pull-offs each advertising their name and phone number (Mike 846-5673, Joseph 942-5478, Frank 543-6115), I have no idea, you still sub-made my conscience, and it is no surprise, ye of like mind,
closed eyed with sheen, ragged for sure wind blown, keep passing with go each time careful, palm out stretched flat 'n fat, here once does, careful skip and yes, yes 'n dead eyed, how's idaho
cute ballade, poeme, what have you...an storie?
This would be better without the arbitrary indentation and line breaks.
Why not direct it into fashioning the world's largest sausage kiev and hiding inside it until you suffocate?
Could be about twins seperated at birth, but meeting in later life.
Could be about two soul mates growing up apart, but destined to be together.
Could be the idea of physical growth versus growth in perception
I think the alliteration loses its power as it is overdone.
Stapled/disabled rhyme sounds a bit odd.
I like the second verse, and the third verse (although v3 took a few rereads).
Yep overall pretty good, lively.
Some nice lines 'not even a clark' 'won't fill a cup'
Not sure the poem hangs together though, loose ended like a hydra.
Why do you start the poem out with âForâ? Why not just âUnderâ. Shadow "laid" like a spring? Maybe we have the whole pond difference going on, but a spring over here usually involves 1) water 2) water coming from some sort of pure source, usually way above where the farm animals or any animals for that matter, defecate 3) hot water bubbling up from the depths (i.e. hot spring) for the delight of old people to bathe in. So in no way, over here that is, can I possible see any form of spring crating a shadow. Good god man: Make sense. Oh, and what an awkward use of the semi colon. After the first stanza the acne clears up a bit, but the looking over the birches at the willow tree just doesnât do it for me.
You write like Richa, except in this case you make more sense.
Pick 4 of the "what good" lines and expound on each one at a time. Stretch the exposition out to 6 lines.
Total 28 lines. You have too many questions and you've overworked your point.
If Jesus truly is omniclever and incapable of telling lies, then I'll wager my last remaining buttock He won't describe your poemes as "good". In Heaven, by definition, it is illegal to write poetry like this. Having said that, this piece was hauntingly beautiful. I particularly liked the lines "What good is my gaze in the trees" and "What good is this breath that I spout". 10.
Do you always take a dump with "Friends and family around"?