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On the Theme of Melted Pianos (Free verse) by embersandenvelopes When the pianos melt and
drip like wet and lanquid sugar;
It is the simplicity of the sound
now emerging as words
now housing lips that were also once dreams
that is the first shiver of sweet caress
to show you that through selected death
there is always the trancendence of rebirth.
Up the ladder:
Oh! To be pressed against your windowpane
Down the ladder:
If time can not persuade, then one must goad.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Posted: April 9, 2004 4:33 PM PDT; Last modified: April 9, 2004 7:50 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.190725 Overall Rank: 4708 Comments:
[9]
wilco @ 24.176.102.131
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9-Apr-04/10:10 PM
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Reply
I kind of like this.....very....abstract?
[n/a]
embersandenvelopes @ 24.152.203.178
> wilco
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9-Apr-04/11:44 PM
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thank you :) This was one of the poems that came about from my love of a phrase of Pablo Neruda's dealing with the term "melted pianos"
not too shabby.
your mission: delete seven words.
which seven? I'm not really satisfied with the last 2 lines but I can't think of anywhere else to go with it.
Thats the trick - start with the prepositions and conjunctions; the little words that add little value.
Not saying you don't need some, but its a good place to start in general. Try deleting every word under three letters then putting them back where absolutely needed.
Don't listen to him, violetsuede. He likes to win the trust of young ladies with his smooth talk, and then when he gets them alone... WHAM!
PS-What do you mean by Greek mythology, Shuushin?
Trying to figure out why you slammed "My Nemesis", thought maybe you didn't understand the subtlety of the mythology behind it.
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