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will you? (Free verse) by Sapphire dip fingers into hues of wine
paint the skies of ancient time
braid the
days in shining twine
the plaits of night dark and divine
hold the
universe out to you sublime
all for want, your heart, be mine
Up the ladder:
Jericho
Down the ladder:
Fascination
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.9820137 Overall Rank: 1327 Comments:
[5]
nentwined @
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16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
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Reply
I think in the second to last line you're jumping objects? [I] hold the universe out to you [the you of all previous lines] and it jars a bit. perhaps you could make it more explicit? or perhaps I'm misreading -- if so, I really can't read that line. It's very sweet, regardless, though not my thing.
that's better.
a bit pained but nice and lyrical.
Sorry, not enough...time?
with all those rope images, you may as well just tie him up.
That is some serious rhyming.
I like the last line, and a lot of the rest of it too. I think it could flow a lot better though.
nice poem, bit too much rhyming for my (personal) linking, but it was to the point and quickly got a very nice image across to me.
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