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Laundry Day (Free verse) by impert&ent
What’s the difference between a sheet and a phone call? They both hang off a line A means of entangling ourselves In every desire. Along the canal I see you White semaphores in hand Telling me something I don’t understand In the language of fishes Dragonfly wings Reflections on the water Bullrushes whispering Sheets between us Along the line Your silhouette I wrap myself, laughing and spinning.

Up the ladder: Moosefart's Revenge
Down the ladder: Erect Tongue of Excite

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Weighted score: 5.6723537
Overall Rank: 2008
Posted: August 25, 2003 4:24 PM PDT; Last modified: August 25, 2003 4:47 PM PDT
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Comments:
[10] <~> @ 64.252.17.3 | 25-Aug-03/7:08 PM | Reply
superb.

thank you.
[7] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154 | 25-Aug-03/7:58 PM | Reply
Wishy washy, but fun.
[n/a] impert&ent @ 82.36.27.74 > Jeremi B. Handrinos | 26-Aug-03/7:09 PM | Reply
I’m pegged.
Strung up by my own fabrication.
Strung out on a series of puns
They’ll be my undoing and hampering.

(How to write a poem: never provide opportunities for puns: they'll be taken up, you'll be washed out.)
[9] Bill Z Bub @ 24.43.45.248 | 25-Aug-03/8:57 PM | Reply
nice and crisp.
[n/a] richa @ 81.86.240.43 | 26-Aug-03/4:38 AM | Reply
unconventional way to use analogy in the first line.
Sets a frivolous tone.

you repeat sheets in the final verse which is unneeded.
The jump to second verse is less than seemless.

other than that ace -8-
[9] INTRANSIT @ 66.208.199.194 | 26-Aug-03/6:34 AM | Reply
Change the opener. I think the rest is great.
[10] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 26-Aug-03/7:32 AM | Reply
suggestion for opening revision:

Find the difference between a bedsheet and a phone call.
Both hang off a line
Both, means for entangling ourselves
In every desire.
[10] <~> @ 64.252.17.3 > <~> | 26-Aug-03/7:16 PM | Reply
agreed. questions and poems make sad bedfellows.
237 view(s)




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