poemranker ::Laundry Day by impert&ent

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Free verse № 62208

Laundry Day

by impert&ent

Member since 2003 · Posted 25 Aug 2003 · Edited 25 Aug 2003 · 8 comments

What’s the difference between a sheet and a phone call? They both hang off a line A means of entangling ourselves In every desire. Along the canal I see you White semaphores in hand Telling me something I don’t understand In the language of fishes Dragonfly wings Reflections on the water Bullrushes whispering Sheets between us Along the line Your silhouette I wrap myself, laughing and spinning.

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mean 7.50 weighted 5.67 rank 2039 views 238 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

8 comments

[10] <~> 25-Aug-03/7:08 PM Reply
superb.

thank you.
[7] Jeremi B. Handrinos 25-Aug-03/7:58 PM Reply
Wishy washy, but fun.
[n/a] impert&ent › Jeremi B. Handrinos 26-Aug-03/7:09 PM Reply
I’m pegged.
Strung up by my own fabrication.
Strung out on a series of puns
They’ll be my undoing and hampering.

(How to write a poem: never provide opportunities for puns: they'll be taken up, you'll be washed out.)
[9] Bill Z Bub 25-Aug-03/8:57 PM Reply
nice and crisp.
[n/a] richa 26-Aug-03/4:38 AM Reply
unconventional way to use analogy in the first line.
Sets a frivolous tone.

you repeat sheets in the final verse which is unneeded.
The jump to second verse is less than seemless.

other than that ace -8-
[9] INTRANSIT 26-Aug-03/6:34 AM Reply
Change the opener. I think the rest is great.
[10] <~> 26-Aug-03/7:32 AM Reply
suggestion for opening revision:

Find the difference between a bedsheet and a phone call.
Both hang off a line
Both, means for entangling ourselves
In every desire.
[10] <~> › <~> 26-Aug-03/7:16 PM Reply
agreed. questions and poems make sad bedfellows.