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A Surgeons Butchery (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer Withered bones rattle while
an old woman watches blood
slowly seep from her lovers
stomach.
Her eyes follow the movement
of the switchblade, watching
her lovers life fade as the mad
surgeon slices lesions all over
soft flesh.
Pupils go wide, terror stiffens
her entire body, while the surgeon
closes his black bag and departs,
leaving the screen door swinging,
echoing the shrill screams bidding him
farewell.
Up the ladder:
I Wonder
Down the ladder:
Man & Woman
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: August 21, 2003 6:54 PM PDT; Last modified: August 21, 2003 6:54 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7559 Comments:
this would benefit from the use of one or more poetic devices.
Once again you extract the pit from the peach. I was just going to say "hruhn?"
-frown- i hate it when you just jump out of nowhere and deliver a kick my nuts.. ouch.
"Slices Lesions" is kinda weak...I think a lesion is a surface abrasion, not a cut, so to speak. Not positive onthat, though.
uh.. cmon now REMEMBER THE DICTIONARY MAGIC???? EHHH??
lesion: Any break in the skin or an organ caused by violence or surgical incision uh oh? rilke, cmon now.. do your research before yappin!!!
That was rushed and unprofessional, I know because, I've had dinner twice. with the actor that plays Doctor Giggles. Killing's only fun if one takes their time.
im not obsessed with murder at the moment.. maybe one day i will, but not this month.
Nice wording but it is like telling a story, nothing really poetic about it maybe that was your intention.
I have seen better from you so since I know what you are capable of I'll give a 4.
*sigh*.. yeah the story shit didnt cut it, im experimenting with this way of writing and i realize: its time to move on.
hey, girlie, you going to tap dance anytime soon?
Dreamster,
This work captures the essence of a cold and calculating killer. Your use of surgeon as killer brings this point home quite well and I did get a feel for the terror of it all. However, I have seen you bring words together in a more fluid and tastey fashion. Not your best but still good. P.S. I gave serious thought to your last message to me regarding the need to open up and just let it out. You were right. On the way to work this morning while in the midst of a traffic jam (i'm in New York City) I came up with something that I posted earlier this morning. Take a look see and let me know what you think. Joe.
good, open up more! be brave, be silly, be fucking idiotic at times.. stumble around the field like a mad man.. youll learn alot about the grass that way.
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not big on the way it begins. it seems too jumpy and not in the good way.
Jumpy? exactly what are you trying to say? explain.