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A Surgeons Butchery (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
Withered bones rattle while an old woman watches blood slowly seep from her lovers stomach. Her eyes follow the movement of the switchblade, watching her lovers life fade as the mad surgeon slices lesions all over soft flesh. Pupils go wide, terror stiffens her entire body, while the surgeon closes his black bag and departs, leaving the screen door swinging, echoing the shrill screams bidding him farewell.

Down the ladder: By Now

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.1666665
Weighted score: 5.0448236
Overall Rank: 6931
Posted: August 21, 2003 6:54 PM PDT; Last modified: August 21, 2003 6:54 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Fear of Garbage @ 64.56.114.44 | 21-Aug-03/7:03 PM | Reply
i felt like i was reading a story when i read this, i'm not sure if that's good or bad.
not big on the way it begins. it seems too jumpy and not in the good way.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 63.93.100.227 > Fear of Garbage | 21-Aug-03/7:24 PM | Reply
theres lots of examples concerning poetry where they read like a story.. so good or bad really depends on how the poem affects you. -shrug-

Jumpy? exactly what are you trying to say? explain.
[n/a] <~> @ 64.252.17.3 | 21-Aug-03/7:52 PM | Reply
this would benefit from the use of one or more poetic devices.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.182.238 > <~> | 21-Aug-03/7:57 PM | Reply
Once again you extract the pit from the peach. I was just going to say "hruhn?"
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.145 > <~> | 23-Aug-03/1:25 AM | Reply
-frown- i hate it when you just jump out of nowhere and deliver a kick my nuts.. ouch.
[n/a] Rilke4ClosetLesbians @ 66.124.225.52 | 22-Aug-03/12:42 AM | Reply
"Slices Lesions" is kinda weak...I think a lesion is a surface abrasion, not a cut, so to speak. Not positive onthat, though.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.145 > Rilke4ClosetLesbians | 23-Aug-03/1:23 AM | Reply
uh.. cmon now REMEMBER THE DICTIONARY MAGIC???? EHHH??

lesion:

Any break in the skin or an organ caused by violence or surgical incision

uh oh? rilke, cmon now.. do your research before yappin!!!
[7] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154 | 22-Aug-03/1:43 AM | Reply
That was rushed and unprofessional, I know because, I've had dinner twice. with the actor that plays Doctor Giggles. Killing's only fun if one takes their time.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.145 > Jeremi B. Handrinos | 23-Aug-03/1:26 AM | Reply
im not obsessed with murder at the moment.. maybe one day i will, but not this month.
[4] Nirvana13666 @ 205.188.208.102 | 22-Aug-03/7:47 AM | Reply
Nice wording but it is like telling a story, nothing really poetic about it maybe that was your intention.
I have seen better from you so since I know what you are capable of I'll give a 4.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.145 > Nirvana13666 | 23-Aug-03/1:21 AM | Reply
*sigh*.. yeah the story shit didnt cut it, im experimenting with this way of writing and i realize: its time to move on.

hey, girlie, you going to tap dance anytime soon?
[n/a] Joe-joe @ 170.28.4.4 | 22-Aug-03/8:21 AM | Reply
Dreamster,

This work captures the essence of a cold and calculating killer. Your use of surgeon as killer brings this point home quite well and I did get a feel for the terror of it all. However, I have seen you bring words together in a more fluid and tastey fashion. Not your best but still good. P.S. I gave serious thought to your last message to me regarding the need to open up and just let it out. You were right. On the way to work this morning while in the midst of a traffic jam (i'm in New York City) I came up with something that I posted earlier this morning. Take a look see and let me know what you think. Joe.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.145 > Joe-joe | 23-Aug-03/1:28 AM | Reply
good, open up more! be brave, be silly, be fucking idiotic at times.. stumble around the field like a mad man.. youll learn alot about the grass that way.
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