| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Seeing Clearly in the Dark (Free verse) by Jimbo July 26, 2003
~
Seeing Clearly in the Dark
~
I catch a movement or two
And make the bed for you
Seeing faint glimpses
In a darkened room
Held tightly and without mercy
Sometimes under a curdling sky
This love so profound
A wound again to my body
Love like a wild rose briar
Occurring in a moment
Sudden as snowflakes under a clear sky
~
But tonight the sky is dark
The moons leans into another hemisphere
Just last night there was twilight and you
An evening of love and deep joy
But then the morning came
And I had kissed you with my eyes
Holding you tightly with my breath
The overture held me captive
Then on that mid-summer night
As we had both stood in the garden
With two souls standing strong and erect
~
Why is that I wonder
That suddenly the sea stirs
Causing sea sickness
Restlessly and between
In water heavy nights
. . . was it merely a dream
When I wake up in your bed
I know I have been dreaming
I held you and felt love
Then we sang of songs
Which we would rather have not
~
Were we better to see in the dark
By daylight words would cause wounds
Questioning the content of hours before
In urgency I begged you to choose your words
You are the nucleus of all my space
I love you so much canât you see
But somehow I felt swept back
As the light collided with walls
Hurting and cutting me deep
One perfect rose with a scent of dew still wet
Today I shared just a glimpse of the night
~
Tlb
Up the ladder:
he's so good looking
Down the ladder:
Goddess of Goddesses
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.1666665
Posted: July 29, 2003 8:44 PM PDT; Last modified: July 29, 2003 8:44 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.7758822 Overall Rank: 11349 Comments:
The bad news: S-3 I don't like. S-1 curdling sky/clear sky. keep the curdling. overall, a bit too much. overdone.
The good news: You are tucked under a swans wing. paddle gently. listen to her rhythm. she will share her feathers. best of luck.
Sappy is as Sappy does
1. what does dew smell like? Precisely
2. Do you ever get the feeling that you're losing your grasp on the difference between too, and to, and two? 3."When I wake up in your bed I know I have been dreaming". probably the most uninteresting observation I've ever had the disservice of witnessing. Congratulation. Somehow I get the feeling you're just a tiger in the sack, grrrrr. lol. [some number I've forgotten between 1 and 10 oh, 4.]"As the light collided with walls Hurting and cutting me deep" Jesus homer are you onto some bulbs we're all missing? just maybe. 5. "But tonight the sky is dark" Another brilliant observation. You would be a great babysitter you could be like "well, the child was young and small"? well yeah? 6."And I had kissed you with my eyes Holding you tightly with my breath" David Copperfield, I will have you know, is cackeling at you, along with me, Jesus, The Devil, Carl Jung, and Castro(?). In other words, Thom, you could make Hallmark cry, but please spare me the trouble of making you cry, by belittling your most inappropriate attempts at poetry I've seen in weeks. Enjoy this and put it over your mantel. 'THEE MOST HONORABLE AWARD OF MERIT IN THE ART OF BEING INCONCEIVABLY REDUNDANT WITH EXTRAORDINARY GLEE IS BEQUEETHED UPON THEE AND YOU'S AND YOURS' Be blessed sir, there's a poet in you somewhere. Perhaps you should go watch hamburger hill and get those juices flowing, because sir, your poem was shat.
Are you trying to suggest that dew is odourless? I'll have you know that dew smells like freshly cut grass and soil, with perhaps the scent of the odd flower thrown in for good measure. The odour is particularly discernable very early in the morning on a day that is about to get very hot. You, Sir, know nothing, and if anything in this world ought to be odourless it's YOU, walrus8.
175 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
"Then we sang of songs
Which we would rather have not"