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Empty

Member since 2003 · Posted 15 Jun 2003 · 4 comments

It is cold in this place As if the satin walls of purposeful isolation have tasted betrayal and much like a vengeful sun have succomb to the raindrops of concrete complextion It is as if every angelic voice that ever breathed life in this place finds now no use for copper blood too much does it tarnish when halos were never meant to rust Empty because every color takes without leaving any Empty besides angry clouds that never forget my face Tarnished as all skin has already turned Angry as every dream falls empty as it burns Wrong to believe that the sun will find strength to be alive again Wrong to believe that anything in this place ever gave a damn Wrong to believe that I shouldnât die for what I am.

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4 comments

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 16-Jun-03/12:06 PM Reply

I too have frequently delivered myself of the opinion that the satin walls of purposeful isolation have tasted betrayal and, much like the vengeful Sun, have succumbed to the raindrops of concrete complexion. Nevertheless, one cannot but wonder from time to time that perhaps one's opinions, though artfully decorated in the plush velveteen plumes of purposeless consolidation, make about as much sense to non-spastics as the senseless ramblings of a half-baked nincompoop with some heavy shopping. Halos were never meant to rust, my friend. Never meant to rust...

[n/a] horus8 › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 16-Jun-03/1:42 PM Reply

Glad to see you so giddy today, as usual.

[5] god'swife 18-Sep-03/10:35 AM Reply

The 3rd stanza is very good. Great images, really. You need to finish the 1st line though, any what? Color? You've got to say something after 'any'. Also 'besides' in line two can be misconstrued, how about 'other than' or 'except' or 'if not for'? the last two lines need to be condensed, you've built a lovely flow of images here don't bog it down with an excess of words.

Tarnished as all skin turned
Angry as every dream falls empty and burns.

In the last stanza you only need say "Wrong to believe" once at the beginning and then you can go down each line beginning with
The Sun
Anything
I shouldn't

The word 'that' is completely unnecessary and ugly. Do you see?

[5] god'swife 18-Sep-03/10:40 AM Reply

By the way the first two stanzas are silly at best. What on earth are you trying to say? "Satin walls of purposeful isolation"? What's that? You start of cold and then speak of a vengeful sun, that doesn't seem right.