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Empty (Free verse) by leviathan

It is cold in this place As if the satin walls of purposeful isolation have tasted betrayal and much like a vengeful sun have succomb to the raindrops of concrete complextion It is as if every angelic voice that ever breathed life in this place finds now no use for copper blood too much does it tarnish when halos were never meant to rust Empty because every color takes without leaving any Empty besides angry clouds that never forget my face Tarnished as all skin has already turned Angry as every dream falls empty as it burns Wrong to believe that the sun will find strength to be alive again Wrong to believe that anything in this place ever gave a damn Wrong to believe that I shouldn’t die for what I am.

god'swife 18-Sep-03/10:35 AM
The 3rd stanza is very good. Great images, really. You need to finish the 1st line though, any what? Color? You've got to say something after 'any'. Also 'besides' in line two can be misconstrued, how about 'other than' or 'except' or 'if not for'? the last two lines need to be condensed, you've built a lovely flow of images here don't bog it down with an excess of words.

Tarnished as all skin turned
Angry as every dream falls empty and burns.


In the last stanza you only need say "Wrong to believe" once at the beginning and then you can go down each line beginning with
The Sun
Anything
I shouldn't

The word 'that' is completely unnecessary and ugly. Do you see?





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