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Leaves (Free verse) by danny duke age 9 Leaves.
Leaves in the breeze
I like to see them falling down
Round and round they go
Not a sound I hear
Only the wind so near
So blow wind blow
Blow in my nose
And down my toes
until i freeze
until i feel the sunshine blowing the leaves
Up the ladder:
Turn Your Back and Run
Down the ladder:
I'm a ghost
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.3333335
Posted: April 17, 2003 3:21 AM PDT; Last modified: April 17, 2003 3:24 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9205313 Overall Rank: 9425 Comments:
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If you are indeed a 9 year old this is a brave effort mate. Good use of rhyme and you stuck to to the subject well. Keep writing and good luck with your poetry heres an 8.
bravery = (1 / age) ^ (are_you_special)
where
are_you_special = 1 / (4 - number_of_wheels)
Don't worry about Dark Angel, Danny, he means no harm (I think...)
I assume (back onto the poem now, and also assuming that the author is indeed 9) that the first line "Leaves." is just the title of the poem? Don't worry about including it.
The rhythm for this poem is near impeccable and I like the way it moves. However I suggest that you need to link it together a bit more-right now it is the rawest form of the basic ideas for the poem (I'm not sure how much sense I made there, but hey).
Be more adventurous in your description, try to make me feel the breeze and the sunshine, make me hear the leaves.
How about this for an edit.
Leaves dancing in the autumn breeze
Playing inbetween the trees
I laugh and watch them tumble down
Down, down
On a carousel around they go
Swirling like a storm of snow
Not a sound is there for me to hear
But the wind so calmingly near
So blow wind, blow
Trickle through my covered toes
Until I freeze (like that line)
Until I feel the sunshine glowing on my leaves
The last line really has to be changed anyway, since the sunshine doesn't blow. I also think this is told from the point of view of the tree. Am I right or wrong?
Again, a nifty effort-keep it up dewd!