Poemranker [Replying] Fri Nov 22 03:02:00 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Leaves. Leaves in the breeze I like to see them falling down Round and round they go Not a sound I hear Only the wind so near So blow wind blow Blow in my nose And down my toes until i freeze until i feel the sunshine blowing the leaves

Ranger

18-Apr-03/12:17 AM

I didn't realise that you're a mathematical genius as well, DA! You continually astound me.
Don't worry about Dark Angel, Danny, he means no harm (I think...)
I assume (back onto the poem now, and also assuming that the author is indeed 9) that the first line "Leaves." is just the title of the poem? Don't worry about including it.
The rhythm for this poem is near impeccable and I like the way it moves. However I suggest that you need to link it together a bit more-right now it is the rawest form of the basic ideas for the poem (I'm not sure how much sense I made there, but hey).
Be more adventurous in your description, try to make me feel the breeze and the sunshine, make me hear the leaves.

How about this for an edit.

Leaves dancing in the autumn breeze
Playing inbetween the trees
I laugh and watch them tumble down
Down, down
On a carousel around they go
Swirling like a storm of snow
Not a sound is there for me to hear
But the wind so calmingly near
So blow wind, blow
Trickle through my covered toes
Until I freeze (like that line)
Until I feel the sunshine glowing on my leaves

The last line really has to be changed anyway, since the sunshine doesn't blow. I also think this is told from the point of view of the tree. Am I right or wrong?
Again, a nifty effort-keep it up dewd!

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