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When Im Gone (Free verse) by New Life Drug [still working on this one]
When I'm gone
Make Sure you take the pictures
1.Nestle them safe in a box
2.Throw in the Pacific Ocean
Make sure you dont read my notebook
1.Simply burn the awful words
2.Scatter in the Puget Sound
Be careful to take my teddy bear
1.Kiss him gently from my childhood
2.Place on my early grave
Be sure to make use of my old room
1. Rent it out
2. Make it a guest room
I dare you not to leave my things in the dust
I couldnt stand to leave them untouched
Just lying there... After I'm Gone
And tell my friends I loved them
1. find the people who were important to me
2. speak softly
Oh imagine
The poor furniture, lying in the still
The spiders and winter air, on my window sill
Leave the shutters closed
Just because I'm gone
it doesnt mean that sunlight should come in
like you always wanted it to.
Up the ladder:
Your Forest
Down the ladder:
Strike Me Down
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Posted: December 10, 2002 5:05 PM PST; Last modified: December 19, 2002 7:15 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.7615943 Overall Rank: 11632 Comments:
[7]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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10-Dec-02/9:44 PM
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Reply
stop at winter air, than say open my shutters for the sun.also, try to compromise the integrity of some of your adjectives...think neutral but crisp and light like foil, a taoist with telepathic abilities.t
the last line almost ruined it for me, i hate flow interuption !
Okay then had my moan ! this could be REALLY good, you put a good slant on the philosophy of death and this simmers with empathy, its a real thought provoker so you've touched on a good subject, however carry on working on it, get rid of the numbering as it sucks, I wanna read this again when you finished it. And geez you gotta finish this, resubmit the baby for more feedback, zzinnia, gods wife, poeat and knowit, horus8, tintag intransit, and many more may occasionally criticise but they are crystal muses of help.
yes yes it needs work. Every time I try to edit it, it goes to "Final freedom of Jason" gaaahh. after the glitch I will butcher it. I like the numbers though. They add originality and when I thought of this, it was kind of like a list in my head. I suppose the flow interruption is annoying, but I like to that sort of thing. Take one last breathe and pour out whatever was in my head. But I think it doesnt fit in this poem. It contradicts the whole simple list thing. Good day.
i like the numbers too.
i'd break this up though: Just because I'm gone it doesnt mean that sunlight should come in like you always wanted it to.
Keep working on it. It's starting to shape up nicely.
I love these lines: "Simply burn the awful words" "I dare you not to leave my things in the dust" and "Oh imagine The poor furniture" ~sniff~ poor, poor furniture...
i'm glad you like those lines.. those are my faves too. I want this to be moving...
better
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