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Another Tragic Love Poem

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Oct 2002 · 11 comments

Ten O' Clock Another Poem to you... about undying love With Loss and Regret thrown in Somewhere between the verses describing sorrow and despair. Another Poem - the same as all the rest... Would it do any good to say - "I miss you" in eloquent words You can chew on inside your head? Or can I just say that I can call you to mind... See your look of secrets untold - With your crooked smile - and feel the need to touch... No - my words can't say enough. Should I write line upon line Of the word "love", It's very meaning existing on the borderline of Heaven and Hell... describing the vastness of its presence and the emptiness that emanates from deep within in its absence? Or can I simply say that I can't live without you? Could I go into detail on how every day brings a deeper sorrow - Describe the word in a great symphony of adjectives: Deep - Unbearable - Endless... Or can I just tell you that - I need you - I miss you - I love you - Don't go... I could spend hours and hours Sifting through words. Picking and choosing the perfect way to simply say "Forgive Me" There is no word that can soften the edges of "Never" and I find myself lost in that word - Knowing you're leaving so soon. Would you ask me to go - If I could find those words that elude me? Those perfect defining words that could describe exactly how much I'm dying inside? So that you would know this is real. This is true. This is forever. I could write you a book... Pages filled with elaborate words to move you and make you understand. But there is no word I've found so far, that will make you change your mind, And keep you with me always. 10-14-02

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11 comments

[5] Tintagiles 29-Oct-02/9:12 PM Reply

Excellent moments, but needs work.

[10] Bachus 29-Oct-02/9:29 PM Reply

alright...i don't know why, well yeah i do, but this piece broke my fucking broken heart from atoms to quarks. you deserve a 10 if not for just proving to me that this style of writing can still be poignant and effective..then for making me even consider why. 10..if i was horus8 i'd give you a golden que-tip award, but i'm not. i'm ryan thorstad.10!e

[n/a] greym0on › Bachus 1-Nov-02/6:35 PM Reply

Thanks. Actually, I got the idea to write this from a bit of criticizm I got on a prior poem. golden que-tip?

[7] -=SeTTle=- 29-Oct-02/10:18 PM Reply

Excellent work, but it could be a great deal simpler. Less is more you know, according to WORLD CLASS ARCHITECT LUDWIG MIES VAN DER ROHE.

[9] <~> 30-Oct-02/6:53 AM Reply

whatever did you so foolishly do? well, it does not matter. you have ripped a new tear in my heavily-scarred heart. curse you.

[n/a] greym0on › <~> 1-Nov-02/6:39 PM Reply

Ever heard of breaking your own heart? It's kind of funny actually... This poem has given me the most wonderful comments in such a short span of time. Makes me think I should don my black, listen to the Cure, smoke my menthol cigarettes and become stereotypical **sighhhhh** sadness all over again.

[8] Christof 30-Oct-02/7:41 AM Reply

My first thought was, this is too long. By the end, I was right with you. This is devastatingly sad.

[n/a] greym0on › Christof 1-Nov-02/6:52 PM Reply

I can't do short poems well. Maybe it's because I don't say much in reality I have to continually blab when I write.

[7] Frass 30-Oct-02/1:06 PM Reply

Very strong, emotionally evocative. In stanza two, it reads awkwardly to end a line with "within" and start the next one with "in". Minor quibbles. "I'm sorry, is all that you can say..." --name that artist.

[n/a] greym0on › Frass 1-Nov-02/6:51 PM Reply

Don't know that one - how about this though?

Dear ones!
You play love on a violin.
The crude play love on a drum.
But unlike me, you can???t turn yourselves inside out
and entirely lips become.

This is my favorite poem of all time.

[8] <{Baba^Yaga}> 13-Jan-03/3:23 PM Reply

lose last line.