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Untitled (Free verse) by Piano you'll still be in my memory
when my memory is long gone
when everything
is gone
and the world has moved on
you'll be there
and I'll still be
dancing with the dandelions
I'll always be there
take your time
lay on
the grass and look at the stars
'cause I'm up there
I'll be the one you
see
the pale star
I'll twinkle and say hello
I sure can
and I'll be the
one you see
the cold and twinkling star
Up the ladder:
The dream,changing world
Down the ladder:
I Had
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.142857
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:17 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:17 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.140288 Overall Rank: 5505 Comments:
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deleted user @
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16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
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Reply
why a cold twinkling star? I like the dancing with the dandelions image you carried over. The first stanza should be cut to 3 lines. Tighten it. The last stanza probably the same. You need to economize on words, tighten your images.
NO TITLE???? WHAT??????????
not quite sure how this ties together
The pale star, as opposed to the Dark~Star. To twinkle is to eat bad macaroni salad. Don't frickin twinkle.
Each stanza needs to have more of a flow to the next.
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