poemranker ::First Kiss... by loneshadow29

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Free verse № 20982

First Kiss...

by loneshadow29

Member since 2002 · Posted 17 Oct 2002 · Edited 18 Oct 2002 · 6 comments

I sit here remembering the night of my first kiss I was afraid to touch her the fear overwhelming then as if some force controlled my very being my arms began to wrap around her I held her so close to me our hearts beating in unison soon, as if by instinct I softly caressed her cheek then in one gentle motion I touched her lips with mine even on that cold February night warmth of love sprang from within my heart racing for dear life my mind reeling, overcome by the love brought forth by those few moments I saw her gentle smile then became lost in her eyes oh those beautiful eyes shining bright like sapphire stars I couldn't help but realize how much love I hold for her then, once again I tried my best to show all of my love with a kiss I remember that moment as if it were only a moment ago and I long for that day to return

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mean 4.29 weighted 4.81 rank 11015 views 145 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

6 comments

[3] Tintagiles 17-Oct-02/8:45 PM Reply
Very tritely put.
[5] Christof 18-Oct-02/6:30 AM Reply
I don't think you should lean back on the phrase 'indescribable emotion' - it's the poet's job to describe it, otherwise how can the reader feel it?
[n/a] loneshadow29 › Christof 18-Oct-02/12:36 PM Reply
Thanks for the suggestion Christof... I hope that I described it a little better :o)
[5] Quarton 3-Dec-02/3:43 PM Reply
Some good lines and well written but too many cliches and overly mawkish. (caressed her cheek, touhed her lips, etc.) Try to express your feelings in a less obvious and/or more interesting way. Shining bright like sapphire stars is both redundant and meaningless. When something is shining, its brightness is assumed by the reader. Describe what is unique or perhaps original about her eyes and do away with overused phrases and imagery. Good luck and as mentioned, you have a nice style of writing.
[1] Garrett S Sexton 4-Dec-02/1:46 PM Reply
COME ON! ALL ON A KISS?
[n/a] Bachus 7-Dec-02/5:26 PM Reply
unfortunately a first kiss is like your first toke of crack you chase the high forever.