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A Soldier's Promise (Free verse) by Ninoy_Instigator I'm waiting here, standing on guard
I will not move anymore.
My conscious is filled with worry
Is she taken? Is she a locked door?
My life is so frustrating
I don't know what she thinks.
Does she actually fancy me?
Or does she pity a stupid freak?
No matter what blocks my vision
I'll still stand proudly on guard.
I must be a soldier for that innocent girl
I'll work 'til I'm a dead, blank card.
When I see her beautiful face I realize
She deserves a lot more than me.
But I'm still better than the scum out there
I'll protect her from the disease of reality.
God, do you know the emotions that brew
When I think about her mothering my child?
That thought always brings tears to my eyes
It won't just be locked away and filed.
When I'm close to passing into death
There's one thing you must promise.
That you be near me dear one,
Because I want you to be my final kiss.
So I will continue to stand on guard,
God PLEASE, I pray on my knees she can hear me.
If you walk out of my life, I'll lose my soul
And you will be digging my grave completely.
Joanna, you are my purpose in life.
Up the ladder:
Celebration
Down the ladder:
Sanity's Defeat
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.75
Posted: October 2, 2002 6:48 AM PDT; Last modified: October 14, 2002 10:01 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.8509965 Overall Rank: 10506 Comments:
[n/a]
Katie @ 63.212.190.3
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7-Oct-02/6:51 PM
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Reply
Snif Snif...I'm going to cry...that's so sweet!! she's a lucky girl, damn I won't a guy to write a poem for me, but the only thing they think of is how the hell there gonna get me in bed...but ne ways, LOL I love this poem, hehe I love your work!! 10/10 =)
[n/a]
Ninoy_Instigator @ 216.148.244.38
> Katie
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7-Oct-02/8:16 PM
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Reply
Thank you so much for your comments, it's good to see what people actually think of my stuff, I have no idea if im actually good at this or not.
The idea of your poem is interesting, if not incredibly politically incorrect, but your execution is very poor. 1. Written with a clumsy hand, and the final line simply stinks.
Yes... yes... she does rather deserve better than you. Rather.
Actually, I don't know the lady. Maybe she does deserve you. But if that's so, I can't imagine what she did in a past life. Poor thing.
Can I ask everyone something? WHAT DID I DO WRONG IN THIS POEM to make you all shoot at me? Is there something demeaning or cruel that I have wrote in this? I'm saying in this that I will work hard for this girl, and somehow that ties in with being an asshole? please someone explain
you have made her an object. she is a living, breathing person, as are you. she is not to be worshipped as an idol. she is to be respected as a friend, if she choses to befriend you. you are equals. in your poem, you would cage her, and save her sweet song for your ears alone. you are a prison guard, not a soldier. that is what you will do wrong. not to mention the narrow range of thought expressed int these words. stretch. compare. condense. don't be so obvious. why would anyone want to be with a sap? give her words of mystery. give her breadth and depth. you have made her a servant without her freedom.
I asked what is wrong in THIS poem! Where does it show ANYWHERE in this poem that I would cage her up. All this poem talks about is how I would work hard for her. Please illustrate to me in this poem where it says I would cage her up
"I'll protect her from the disease of reality." i.e., from life itself, ergo, cage her up
The line before that says "Im better than the scum out there" which illustrates that I want to be there for her so that she wont end up with a scum boyfriend.
what if the person whom she cares for is, in your opinion, scum? how are you the final authority?
and that is very different than the line i quoted. perhaps you do not even realize that you want to cage her. your comment to mrs.god shows that you want her to be virginal, perfect. people are not perfect. ever. will you still love her if she masturbates? what if she was raped as a child? will that destroy her beauty for you? can you not love her for her heart? get a dog. laws are less strict on cruelty to animals.
I specifically said virginity is not important to me, read more carefully. I never said anything about me wanting a virgin for god sake!!!
i apologize for the rudeness of that last comment. i was misreading your words.
i think perhaps others have as well, and that is why the comments have had a certain flavor to them.
You worship her beauty and her innocence. That is objectifing. If she had lovers previous to you would that spoil everything? You specifically articulate your desire for her to have your children. What if she could not? What if she didn't want children? Would that change your feelings for her? Don't be afraid to let her mature and experience life. you workon finding out who you are, she works on finding out who she is and the all the while you offer each other a non-judgemental friendship.
We have already been friends for a long time. The children are not the idea of the whole poem, that is simply a pleasant street dream. Innocence is not always meant to be linked with virginity/having previous lovers. She is innocent in this case because in everything she does, there is no malice, no scheming, no behind the back type of thinking. If there was then yes, that would spoil everything.
If she's that way now she probably always will be. I didn't think of innocence in that connotation. You're right it would spoil everything. The images you provide are just so classically machista. You live in a similar environment that I've struggled most my life to escape and then try to change. So I jumped on your ass. Keep fighting and listening.
Can I ask how they are machista?
She's innocent and needs your protection. you'll work hard for her and keep her safe from reality. She'll have your babies. Your the White Knight (ok, the Cafe con Leche Knight) and she's the damsel in distress. She is the purpose of your life, sounds very romantic but in reality it's a recipe for disaster.
Your words are just so condescending. I realize now you don't mean them to be, but they truly are.
to me, it seems like you have deemed her incapable of taking care of herself, or of making her own decisions.
It's natural for man, all full of testosterone, to want to protect his woman in a caveman-stylee, but you also have to remember that the woman may have her own opinions and ways of doing things. Try and think of her as an equal, not a precious jewel to be guarded
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