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Trespasser at the Men's Bathing Pond (Free verse) by Christof Without permission you dropped a stone
Into my pond. Like flesh on bone
The water wrapped and sucked around
Until it drowned
But only a ripple, a tiny wave
And a ripple betrayed its grave.
A pinprick in the fibrous part
Of cortex where desires start
Even now spread out to claim
My entire brain
But gently, mind, a supple wave
So softly sharp and slyly brave.
Up the ladder:
Am I Still Here?
Down the ladder:
Resurrection (for Gods Wife)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.769231
Posted: September 20, 2002 1:09 AM PDT; Last modified: September 20, 2002 1:13 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.7640824 Overall Rank: 1775 Comments:
[6]
Bachus @ 24.126.113.154
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20-Sep-02/8:42 PM
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Reply
eat more haggis...be well. lest the guppies attack and chew 'pon your little toe..
The topic of where desire starts is always an interesting one Bacchus. The detail of the cortex is ethereal
I voted on this but hadn't commented. The title is a stranger to me. I assume the stone-dropper is in S1 is the premoter of your desire in S2 but I keep picturing a man so it puts me off. I prefer S2. Line 4 seems unnecessary I read it without L4 and (spreads) in L3, but that just means I transformed it into something more mine. I particularly like the last line. You have to be brave to rouse another's desire. I haven't seen too much expressing that.
Interesting that you picture a man... the Men's Bathing Pond in Hampstead is strictly men only so any trespasser would have to be a woman. But without that knowledge, you picture a chap. Wonder why? Well, I don't mind, it adds a frisson maybe.
I pictured a man as well. The title set me up for it. I like it better now. ;)
Should I change the title to 'Woman at the Men's Bathing Pond'? Oh I don't know. Ambiguity can be fun.
i'd like it better if s1 ended 'only a ripple' repeating from the line above--a sort of reinforcement of incredulity. ripples can effect untold change, when time and circumstance align just so
Hi Christof!you try to pierce into my psyche!I was inspired to write "a man of the world",when I recalled H.G.Wells'"A door in the wall".have you read that?one of the best short stories I've ever read.(of course the Priest and the ring was my own invention!)-A 10 for your poem!
No I haven't read that, and I've read quite a lot of Wells. I'll have to look that out. Thanks for the vote!
8/10
when the steam dissipates, me thinks he will remain pondering his rippling flesh, looking no deeper than his bones.
Maybe it is because I have never had the pleasure of going to a men's bathing pond, but that first image confuses me to no end. Can you explain it?
I like this. Very original and good rhythm. The form is different, using 6 lines per stanza and a couplet rhyme scheme.
Interesting piece and deserves a high number.
i wish i could wright like that 10.....
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