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Always

Member since 2002 · Posted 1 Dec 2008 · 3 comments

Like eternal sundowns There you set Like distant rain You spill down Like the oceans wave There you are Just beyond my grasp Lingering in the distance A constant reminder Of pleasant memories Sadness remains in knowing You can only be my past And in knowing that these memories Will forever last

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1 vote so far. Yours would make 2.1 vote so far

3 comments

[n/a] DreamerSupreme 15-Dec-08/6:36 AM Reply

The use of the word like in the manner you've employed it above? Don't. Saying "will forever last" in a vain attempt to avoid saying the tired "will last forever"?
Don't. Repetetive redundancy? Eliminate it. If it's constant, then there's no need to say it'll last forever.

Do not ever cheapen what you are trying to express in such ways. You need to reconsider the way you go about constructing your poems. Become thy editor motherfucker!

Consider this:

You are the
eternal sundown
setting,
the distant rain
pouring down,
an ocean wave
receding-- lingering
in the distance just
beyond my grasp.

You are the ever-present
reminder of pleasant memories;
maintaining the sadness,
making me yearn for the past.

Yesterday has long since passed,
but you're still here,
always.

--That's just a quickie example. Notice the difference?- Clear, fluid, with a crisp finish.

It's not what you're saying, it's how you say it. Capiche? Find thy style and, by god, develop it.

[n/a] hobojo › DreamerSupreme 19-Dec-08/2:14 PM Reply

Your version is much better, yes. Changes the meaning a bit though. I know I am a terrible writer, but it is one of the many things I am trying to get better at. Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts, I always enjoy reading your poems.

[n/a] DreamerSupreme › hobojo 2-Jan-09/11:21 AM Reply

Stop saying "I am a terrible writer.". You are good when you decide you're good-- confidence has many merits, and they are boundless. Doubtless you'll look back at the old pieces and shake your head in wonder as to how you conjured that shit up-- the weak points like bleeding bulletholes: Revise, twist, take risk, push your concepts as far as possible. Even failure is success when you take that and rewrite your blueprints having learned your particular strengths and weaknesses. You'll come to learn what works and what doesn't, it'll become instinctual. Pursue the thought that "I'm fuckin liquid fire flowing beneath the crust waiting to erupt." and write. Don't try, DO it, and do it relentlessly.