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dps 2 - new ver. (Free verse) by decadentlaurel i gaze across the room
i watch silently
two sparkling blue droplets answer my call
my view falls to the barren floor
carpe diem
i remember words conjuring in my mind
like spells of the olden days
oh captain, my captain
thoughts from the back of my head
i long to look up
to leer upon the sunset
where the blue of her eyes meets
gold flowing in every direction
such beauty awaits before me
still all i see is the ground
Up the ladder:
When
Down the ladder:
Stifled
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.571429
Posted: September 16, 2002 8:03 PM PDT; Last modified: September 16, 2002 8:03 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.153681 Overall Rank: 5185 Comments:
[7]
nentwined @ 192.168.0.69
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16-Sep-02/11:24 PM
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Reply
I've grown fond of version one; this one doesn't appeal to me so much.
Version 1 is much better than this - simpler, more honest, less 'poetic'.
I like version one a tad better, (i say the first is always best because its raw, and meaningful) but this one i like because you've added lines filled with description, which is good, but the atmosphere has dissolved. I especially like the last section and of that "where the blue of her eyes meets gold flowing in every direction such beuty awaits before me still all i see is the ground" very lovely
very romantic and surreal. captivating visuals. a wonderful poem.e
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