poemranker ::Shiver by Skamper

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Free verse № 154723

Shiver

by Skamper

Member since 2007 · Posted 18 Dec 2007 · Edited 28 Dec 2007 · 6 comments

brittle hands grasp the meaning behind his undertaker’s smile she labours in the loosening he's giving chances existances competing breath saccharine sickening fingers driven free the aromatic pleasures of the dead creating monuments he tongues her skin issue slick dripping cold walk comforts trailing patterns set by the unforseen he finds her beauty stilling

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6 comments

[8] Dovina 19-Dec-07/11:53 AM Reply
Very spare. Too spare I think. First verse is good. "creating moments" is overused, especially standing alone. "issues slick"?
[n/a] Skamper › Dovina 28-Dec-07/11:25 PM Reply
I wanted to be spare - create the energy of serial killing, the need and driving ambition of it, as coldly as possible.

The line is 'creating monuments' not moments.
[8] Dovina › Skamper 30-Dec-07/1:56 PM Reply
I plead insanity!
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › Dovina 16-Jan-08/12:32 PM Reply
dunce
[10] INTRANSIT 23-Dec-07/11:12 AM Reply
Oh gross! Swap existances competing, drop the hyphen, swap fingers driven. I think you could lose lines 13 and 14 and do no harm. Gross. I love it.
[n/a] Skamper › INTRANSIT 28-Dec-07/11:34 PM Reply
swapping to competing existances reads to me like a race, rather than a statement of how it is. fingers driven explains the fingers are being driven by something without his control whereas driven fingers, to me, seems to imply he has control. hyphen dropped as well as line 14... 13 stays, I like it. :)
Thanks for the input - well appreciated as always.