Poemranker [Poem: Shiver] [by Skamper] Fri Apr 19 22:31:38 PDT 2024

brittle hands grasp the meaning behind his undertakerâs smile she labours in the loosening he's giving chances existances competing breath saccharine sickening fingers driven free the aromatic pleasures of the dead creating monuments he tongues her skin issue slick dripping cold walk comforts trailing patterns set by the unforseen he finds her beauty stilling

[8] Dovina @ 75.82.99.11 | 19-Dec-07/11:53 AM | Reply

Very spare. Too spare I think. First verse is good. "creating moments" is overused, especially standing alone. "issues slick"?

[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.196.234 > Dovina | 28-Dec-07/11:25 PM | Reply

I wanted to be spare - create the energy of serial killing, the need and driving ambition of it, as coldly as possible.

The line is 'creating monuments' not moments.

[8] Dovina @ 208.127.216.46 > Skamper | 30-Dec-07/1:56 PM | Reply

I plead insanity!

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 79.65.198.159 > Dovina | 16-Jan-08/12:32 PM | Reply

dunce

[10] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 | 23-Dec-07/11:12 AM | Reply

Oh gross! Swap existances competing, drop the hyphen, swap fingers driven. I think you could lose lines 13 and 14 and do no harm. Gross. I love it.

[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.194.152 > INTRANSIT | 28-Dec-07/11:34 PM | Reply

swapping to competing existances reads to me like a race, rather than a statement of how it is. fingers driven explains the fingers are being driven by something without his control whereas driven fingers, to me, seems to imply he has control. hyphen dropped as well as line 14... 13 stays, I like it. :)
Thanks for the input - well appreciated as always.