Poemranker [Poem: The Taking] [by Skamper] Thu Apr 18 03:16:30 PDT 2024

[10] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 | 16-Nov-07/7:34 AM | Reply

For some reason, I'd like lines one and two inverted.

Leave the big gap but lose the -then-

Love it!

[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.196.196 > INTRANSIT | 19-Nov-07/6:56 PM | Reply

I hear what your saying - but inverting lines 1 and 2 would put a different emphasis on the progress of seduction. I think maybe a longer pause between line 2 and then, followed by the long pause again...

don't you think -then- speaks of what lays between the quieter 'no' to the ultimate compliance? I feel leaving -then- out hurries it along

[10] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 > Skamper | 20-Nov-07/10:28 AM | Reply

Hmm. I guess that's me wanting a little more "fight".

Re: then, that's why I suggested leaving the gap, but, the ... is unnecessary.

[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.101.164 > INTRANSIT | 21-Nov-07/1:06 AM | Reply

the 'fight' was only token resistence. I dropped the ... you were right they don't do anything

many thanks :)

[9] deleted user @ 63.127.193.79 | 17-Nov-07/6:28 AM | Reply

so much said with so little words.

[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.192.237 > deleted user | 19-Nov-07/6:57 PM | Reply

thanks :) sometimes less is better