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Broken Bird (Other) by Sisterwolf Broken bird with tattered wings,
what a bittersweet song she sings.
Her eyes dart here, then there,
as she watches for his empty stare.
No longer does this lovely bird fly,
she no longer wants the open sky.
He took her soul and wrung it out,
filling her with dread and doubt.
The face she sees in the mirror
is etched with sorrow, pale with fear.
He taught she is ugly, unworthy, dumb.
Now her feelings of worth are numb.
Will she ever fly again, this battered
bird, or are her wings forever tattered.
She hides, never raising her pretty eyes,
as every day another part of her dies.
Up the ladder:
My Random Girl
Down the ladder:
Pain
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.2
Posted: December 23, 2005 1:21 PM PST; Last modified: December 23, 2005 1:21 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.904638 Overall Rank: 9853 Comments:
[8]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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23-Dec-05/3:07 PM
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Reply
Somehoiw the "lovely bird" in line 5 seems inconsistent with the image built up of a put-down, tattered-wing bird with a low self image. Maybe "once-lovely." But it's a good poem, and welcome to poemranker.
"He taught she is ugly, unworthy, dumb.
Now her feelings of worth are numb." sad
good pustule of a pimple.
If you really want more detail, a) read the definition of a pimple poem; b) the rhyme scheme is hackneyed, nearly impossible to do well; c) the rhythm is off just about everywhere; d) your english is broken ("he taught she is ugly"?) e) you twist the word order to fit the rhymes you want
Most of us have written stuff this bad. It's okay. You cannot improve this poem. Put it behind you and move on.
You like her. I can tell.
Your wit is delightful. I imagine he likes me as much as he likes
tooth pain, but that is okay. I am so sorry to cause such a ruckus. I am 60 year-old and disabled from domestic abuse - I am sensitive and this kind of critiquing is not the place for me. I am posting one last one.
Perhaps you should get in touch with your inner wolf, sister.
since this poem is about u and your deep fears its beautiful. fly little bird, fear not. everything in life is experience, not even death can destroy us.
Yes, a comment like this is blood in the shark-infested water. But blood in the snow is get-even time for wolves, sister. We're all sensitive, that's why we write. Look for the usable hamburger bun in the trash heap, the skidmarked Kalvin Klines in the dumpster. and damn the estupidos.
The irony of it all is that I don't think it is a very good poem!
Thankfully for my ego I was just told I am one of the people in the vote for POTM at my favorite site. I shall wrap myself in the blood-soaked garment and chew it for its nourishment.
Please don't misunderstand. I don't care about your credentials or votes on POTM at some other site or your education or even your breeding stock. Your recently posted poem "ennui" is provocative and good in my opinion. What you must realize is that the comments here may not tell you that. They could just as likely predict the return of Christ. So you can either enter that discussion or ignore it and just consider comments about your poem and the votes. It's a baby-and-bathwater kind of thing.
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